01 March, 2008

A newly-researched Pictorial Biography of Johann Sebastian Bach

The recent forensic reconstruction of the real face of Johann Sebastian Bach has led FunkyPix2's Forensic Expert to assemble a revised pictorial biography, thus revolutionizing music history.

Here is Bach as a child:

...and as a carefree teenage rapper:

...and as a horny young man pursuing any skirt he could find, especially in organ lofts where he kept his etchings:

...then we skip to his more mature years:

...and on into his dotage:

However, this is where the plot thickens. One of the reconstructed photos clearly reveals some Sub-Continental Aryan genes [see below]. This would explain the mysterious appearance of an Indian raga in an obscure organ chorale he wrote in 1734, probably thinking that no-one except Vishnu would ever notice:

...and even more mysterious are Thai folk-music themes, written discretely into the orchestral viola part of the B-minor Mass! Wow! Had the Master ever visited Thailand? How did Kuhn Bach get there? The newly-discovered masterpiece 'The Well-Tempered Gamelan' is a possible clue. Research is indeed suggesting that he was far more traveled and cosmpolitan than previously suspected:

In fact, there appears to be a DNA connection to a little-known Chiangmai composer, one 'Piotr Golly-Sebastian', the odd chap sporting the chin-grass in the photo below. Piotr has been interviewed by the CNN rep from the scholarly journal The Musical Quarterly. He cunningly uses the nom-de-plume of *Peter Gore-Symes* to avoid being mobbed by delerious fans:

You can listen to (or download) some of his compositions here on MySpace (in a new window). When the MySpace dashboard appears, you can click on "Lyrics" to read a short blurb on each work before (or during) playback. The first piece on the list is a trio (There Came A Glance from Igor, for flute, oboe & bassoon). It opens in a Baroque purist Bach-like manner... but then gradually deteriorates into pure Stravinsky. Scores/parts for any of the works are available for the cost of printing and postage from Thailand, in the usual expectation that appropriate acknowledgement be made at performances, on programs etc.
The above link to Myspace is also available on another webpage ("Notes About Music") which Piotr keeps as an ongoing music journal, a Catalogue of Works, and a place where he can ruminate over philosophical or technical details about all his music, not only the six pieces on MySpace.
Now it gets bizarre. This next picture suggests the Bach family originally came out of Africa:

From the following reconstructed photo, Bach is now known to have had a previously unknown FOURTH compositional period. In a single stroke, the interest of musicologists has been highly aroused as they now better grasp the genesis of Bach's 'Air on the C-String'.

Botticelli painted a portrait of a previously unknown subject, now easily recognizable as an early member of the Bach clan:

Amazingly, the following El Greco masterpiece bears an unmistakable resemblance to Bach himself. The apparent existence of links between Bach's family and the Master Painters has certainly set the cat among we art historians. All scholarly notions of chronology are rent asunder:

Art historians have long been puzzled by the following late Renaissance portrait, c.1590. It is now speculated that this was another portrait of a member of the Bach clan. The painting is clearly an early manifestation of post-modernism, intended to demonstrate to potential employers that the Bachs were ultra cool dudes:

Bach got pissed sometimes when he had a (rare) RDO and wasn't busy manufacturing more children with Anna Magdalena. Here he was one Friday night at his favourite pub, Zimmermans, jamming the 12-Bach Blues with his mates:

You may also be interested in confronting the real face of Jesus from
a similar forensic reconstruction. He was a figure of lesser stature than Bach, but probably also got pissed from time to time, drinking his own blood disguised as wine after the main course. Weird shit.
(link opens in a new window).

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