31 March, 2007

Every Ducklips has his Day:
2007 will be John Howard’s End

FunkyPix2 continues its “shark theme” in its campaign against John Howard.
In this photo, Ducklips brags about Iraq while Afghanistan creeps up from behind.

("Howard's End"... mmm, it hath a pleasing ring. . .)

I don’t need to invent any more vitriol about John Dubya Ducklips Howard. Anthony Albanese has already done it for me in Parliament, nine years ago. Here I shall quote you Anthony Albanese's very own words (quoted in 'The Australian', March 13 2007):

Anthony Albanese: "Today my grievance is against the Prime Minister for his failure to provide leadership. You can trim the eyebrows, you can cap the teeth, you can cut the hair, you can put on different glasses, you can give him a ewe's milk facial for all I care. But, to paraphrase a gritty Australian saying: “Same stuff, different bucket.” In the pantheon of chinless blue-bloods and suburban accountants that makes up the Australian Liberal Party, this bloke is truly one out of the box. You have to go back to Billy McMahon to find a prime minister who even approaches this one for petulance, pettiness and sheer grinding inadequacy.

"In John Howard, here also is a man small in every sense. Some have said that he is the worst prime minister since Billy McMahon. That is unfair to Billy McMahon. (Consider) the gulf, Mr Deputy Speaker, between the man in his mind - the phlegmatic, proud old English bulldog; the Winston of John Winston Howard - and the nervous, jerky, whiny apparition that we all see on the box every night. When he looks on the box he gets to see what we see, not the masterful orator of his mind but the whingey kid in his sandpit. Spare a thought for us, Mr Deputy Speaker, because we have to watch his performance every day, the chin and top lip jutting out in full duck* mode.

"Here is a man who lived at home until he was 32. You can imagine what he was like. Here were young Australians demonstrating against the Vietnam War, listening to the Doors, driving their tie-dyed Kombi cars, and what was John Howard doing? He was at home with mum, wearing his shorts and long socks, listening to Pat Boone albums and waiting for the Saturday night church dance.

"This is the man we have leading the country: yesterday's man, a weak man, a little man, a man without courage and a man without vision. This is Billy McMahon in short pants."

*I’m just a tad jealous that Anthony Albanese pre-empted me on the “attack duck” image ;-)

Nine years on, little about Howard has changed, but we are all living with the consequences of the narrow, anally-retentive short-sight. His tightening up of the Gun Laws was the best thing he ever did, but wasn't the inspired action of a visionary statesman: rather, it was thrust on him by chance circumstances. It's all been downhill since then.

Can Howard see the End coming?

"We will fight them on the beaches..." John Dubya Ducklips Howard has threatened to violate the shores of Indonesia... and the Solomons... and Fiji... and Iraq... and now threatens sanctions against Iran too? Howard is actually more of a threat to Australia: the enemy within.

Howard's nuclear-tipped anti-shark weapons for the Australian Defence Forces

...and what is his re-election message to the australian public?

His message is simple. TWO WORDS:

Now, thanks to Johhny's fear campaign, australian children can have proper nightmares at last...

. . . all about "Suspicious Persons of Middle Esatern Appearance", Predatory Strangers, Terrrrrrrrrists, and Bogeymen. They're ALL foreigners, mind you, especially short people with difficult-to-pronounce names, such as "Albanese")... Errrr, that no longer includes the Italian or Greek communities, you understand. Sudanese refugees have been painted as the latest enemy-we-must-hate, and with the assistance of Mr Howard's droned instructions, we can soon learn to scapegoat Sudanese as well as Muslims.

(For the information of non-australians: John Howard manufactured and distributed millions of anti-terrorist fridge magnets giving telephone numbers for australian citizens to call if they noticed anything suspicious. I'm not kidding - that is for real).

The reception desk at the PM's Department, Canberra.

Here’s another animated cartoon from Nicholson of ‘The Australian’ newspaper. I hardly need to explain its title, Ugly Johnny.

…and another one in which an innocent phone call reveals the truth about Howard’s comically botched visit to Iraq, his worst-ever media goof-up.

(A brief word of explanation to non-australians: When australians accuse someone of lying, it is customary to say “Liar, liar, pants on fire”.)

. . . and finally, this week's R-rated Howard "joke":

Some Coalition back-benchers were concerned about Howard’s stuffy boring public image, so decided to help to make him feel more cool, dashing and desirable. They despatched an attractive ‘escort’girl round to Kirribilli House.

When Howard answered the door, the alluringly-clad girl cooed “Hi, big boy, I’m here to offer you super sex, you hunk you”.

Howard replied: "Er... I'll have the soup, thanks".

Where Ducklips shops for his wife (she's too timid to go inside).

The FunkyPix2007 Car Show:
Bangkok Motor Show, eat your heart out!

FunkyPix2 is ensuring an endless supply of cars for the future.
Petrol crisis? What petrol crisis?

FunkyPix2 presents the 2007 Fringe Motor Festival, a collection of wheelie good ideas of the last 12 months. Here's a tasty sample:

The still "Etto" - you should see it when it's moving.

This Ferrari V-12 electric limo comes with heated spa as standard.

Some all-terrain bikes developed by the CIA especially for the Tora-Bora Motocross.

The Bangkok Tuk-Tuk Mafia 'Stretch Special'

Batman and Robin travel incognito to do the shopping in their adapted Volkswagon.

Robin's little after-hours runaround.

Another converted Volkswagon. . .

. . . and more...

A luxury car in Zimbabwe. It's one of the few that can actually move.

This wheel-chair enabled cutie might have been inspired by this.

A sixer for the more conventional wanker.

This Spring season, the fashionable motorist will skate along in sporty shoes. This is the Toyota 'RunnerRound'. These are sold as "His/Hers" pairs in stylish matching colours, one Left-hand drive, and the other Right.

The prototype Nissan 'Titanic'...

...and the electric Nissan 'Pivo' whose entire cabin can rotate.

The powerful fan blows forwards to keep the driver cool.
As a consequence, this gas-guzzler gets 3 miles to the gallon.

FunkyPix2 always encourages kids to stay at school. There are free computer games on board this cool school bus, but the required tokens for the next day's games can only be collected at the end of each class.

Not a faked photo - for a change.

Made in Russia, and designed by a committee.
Someone forgot to budget for doors.
(If the Bangkok International Motor Show can have its "pretties"
and scantily-clad coyote girls, then FunkyPix2 can too)

Mein Benz!! The sentiments from this early postcard haven't changed much in 100 years, but the internal combustion engine certainly has a lot to answer for.

30 March, 2007

FunkyPix2 announces temporary shut-down of the Internet for cleaning

This is hospital bed, used by a long-term Internet addict, is believed
to have been the source of the Computer Avian Flu epidemic.

Following the panic announcement that the Avian flu virus is affecting Linux computer operating systems, FunkyPix2 and Microsoft remind readers that the internet will be closed for 24 hours on April 1. Merely booting up your computer tomorrow will almost certainly result in your hard drive being wiped.

The entire Web will be closed down for spring cleaning, so get your Ebay bids in a day earlier. The Internet will be thoroughly disinfected with spray, then oiled for extra speed. FunkyPix2 and Bill Gates regret any inconvenience to users. Internet Security levels will be raised to Yellow Alert for the day in case of terrrrist raids on your cookies:

The Linux Operating System is particularly vulnerable to Bird Flu viruses because of its close association with Penguins. FunkyPix2 Laboratories are urgently manufacturing large quantities of Computer Avian flu vaccine suitable for cross-platforms. The computer flu strain has evolved rapidly, having spread from hard drives from Turkey to the Canary Islands in a matter of minutes.

The alleged WWWeb addict was caught on CCTV footage with his early model hand-held, walking out of hospital before the viral threat had been fully identified by authorities. This dangerous man is still at large, armed with a deadly triple-click assault mouse.

Mobile devices, such as this early model solar-powered iPod (below) are thought to be a particular threat in the spread of Computer flu:

Internet Police have traced the Computer Bird flu virus to this work-station in the Canary Islands. . .

…and another at Eagle Rock, Texas. . .

…and to this slow-speed ..k..e..y..b..o..a..r..d ..in North Queensland:

Office workers are getting nervous and jumpy. . .

...and highly StREsSeD . . .

...and even laptop-users at home are stressed.

Stress about the Computer Bird Flu epidemic is inducing some odd anti-social behaviours.

This ergonomic keyboard designed for internet pirates will no doubt help spread Computer flu rapidly.

However, the Information Highway on Bangladesh's homepage bajajcity.com still remains safe but severely limited in bandwidth. Bangladeshi authorities are not taking the Computer Avian Flu threat seriously enough ("Avian" translates as "FUN" in Bangladeshi).

...and networks in Afghanistan's war zones are getting far too little support to protect themselves safely or carry the increasing traffic:

For the [rare] anally-retentive reader of FunkyPix2 who is interested in weird toilets, visit our photo gallery of the World Toilet Expo in Bangkok.

Get your supply of Heart Attack pills from FunkyPillz.com