28 March, 2007

Rabbit Eggs and other miracles:
An EASTER photo gallery

A rabbit making Easter eggs.

Easter ain't what it used to be. These days it's about chocolate eggs, fluffy pink wabbits, and nauseating cards. But rabbits? ...making eggs? OK, someone's sold us a porkie down the line. So - what was Easter about in times past?

Well, it certainly wasn't christian - because Jeshua (Jesus' real name) wasn't yet around during the Neolithic and Bronze ages. Easter used to be a rollicking festival celebrating the lustful urges of the feisty Anglo-Saxon cum Phonecian goddess of Spring Astarte (or Eastre, Astroarche, Ashtoroth, Isis, Hathor, Aphrodite, Demeter, or Ishtar the equivalent Babylonian goddess). In the photo below, Astarte stands, carved in stone with a couple of rather friendly stallions. Mysteriously, she grasps lengthy serpents in her hands:


Despite all this covert friskiness, Astarte was supposed to be a virgin (you've just gotta believe it). She can be understood as the cultural prototype for the Virgin Mary.


"Faith is believing what you know ain't so" ................(Mark Twain)


Astarte ("The Lady of the Beasts") represented Life, Creation, Renewal, Reproduction, Newness, Lust, the Mother Goddess, an embodiment of Mother Nature. She was capable of eternal virginity precisely because she was the local expert in the business of Renewal. She was also the 'Destroyer' (so held an honorary title of Goddess of War") because all that lives must die. Thus she is our culture's parallel of India's black-faced goddess Kali. Astarte held a big annual ding-dong Mardi-Gras party at the arrival of northern hemisphere Spring on a designated Friday in April, the vernal equinox.

Since at least 1700BC, Astarte was the partner of a lucky chap, a groover god called Baal (below) who was probably metrosexual and forever horny (see his helmet for clues). No-one seems quite sure if Astarte and Baal were legally married, but I don't suppose they cared a hoot as long as they could hump. Often.

Baal, carrying his customary thunder-club & lightening bolt spear, similar to the Greek god-king Zeus or his Roman counterpart Apollo. Baal was usually represented standing phallically upright like a 'lingam'.


Astarte's festival time happened to coincide with the anniversary of Jeshua's crucifixion. (To this day, christians persist in calling Jeshua by his Greek name 'Jesus', bestowed posthumously on him by Paul Someone-or-other.) Early christians thought Astarte was a right tart, but were worried about banning her full-moon party outright in case they were labelled as nerd party-poopers. Instead, they decided to infiltrate her festival with bible propagandists bearing papyrus leaflets, and eventually took over the Management Committee. It became known as Easter - after which only pope music was allowed - and NO dancing. Infiltration of this sort later became known as "missionary work", "fundementalist evangelism", and evolved into "pre-emptive defence".

So who is this enigmatic and secretive Easter Bunny who only appears in public once a year to terrorise children? Back in ancient Phonecia, Astarte had used the hare as a symbol of fertility. Ancient Romans believed that all life came from eggs, so christians cleverly put the two ideas together and started teaching their children that hares laid eggs in the grass. Horses lay eggs too, honest. Later, christians substituted bunny for hare as 'bunny' sounds cuter on saccharine and meaningless Easter cards at $2.50 a pop. Savvy, huh?

Children back in Astarte's day had played the game of collecting painted eggs hidden in the grass. Later, because eggs were a naturally-occuring resource, christian kids were taught that they should hunt them down ruthlessly - and were even given prizes if they found the most. From this fun family game was born the idea of Capitalism, Glory, Empire and accumulating Massive Personal Wealth at the expense of other people.

The Roman view of eggs as the "seed of life" was soon nicked by christians as symbolic of the "ressurection" of their cult hero Jeshua. Jeez, they had to invent something happy and positive out of the disastrous crucifixion of their boss, or Easter would have flopped for keeps. Like, dead cat bounce, dude. No more Apostling for a living... dole time, guys.

A snapshot of modern Easter: Yo, where you hidin' dem eggs, fren?


An exciting easter-egg hunt in a Sri Lankan minefield.

You humans get a holiday weekend plus bulk chocolate.
Hey, what's in it for a wabbit?


The tewifying Attack Bunny from "The Wabbits that Ate Wubyvale"


Luckily, it was caught and broken in. These days, the Demon Rabbit of Doom has been given a hairdo and tethered to a post in Disneyland for kids to ride.


Rabbit in a Burqha: many christians are losing faith in Easter, largely due to the ability of humanist-liberal internet blogs to trigger moments of Deep Thought.


Many christian bunnies have retained their warlike heritage
and are not to be trusted. George Bunnyush for one.

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