He showed us this passport photo.
Elvis lives! In fact, he now lives in Chiangmai, Thailand, along with thousands of other expatriates of America, Europe and Australia.
FunkyPix2 has photographed Elvis with a Thai girlfriend in a fairylight-speckled tourist bar in an alley off Loi Kroh Road. It was late, the doof-doof music was lurching full-tilt, and he was almost ready to pillion off on the back of his new friend's scooter. But for reasons known only to him, Elvis (call me Marvin... and I'd like you to meet Angel... oops, sorry... Judy) proved to be talkative when we approached him with a polite question. Pleased to meet up with a genuine fan, buddy - here, have a Marguerita. How do you know who I am? Here, help me finish this wine. Woo-hoo, ain't the never ending nightlife great? Never had such a night! I don't know a better city by night, I really don't. Want to know what photos I've got here? He was certainly in a festive mood, offering to show us a collection of his earliest photos, never before revealed.
We told him (truthfully) that FunkyPix2 has only a small number of readers and would he mind if we put a few pix of him on the web. That's such an easy question: of COURSE not, dear (hic) friends! So no more waffle, dear readers: we've preserved Elvis's very own words:
"This is me at one week. How would you like to be hound-dogged from such a tender age? My memories don't go back that far, though. Now do you truly have confidence that no-one reads your website? I'm counting on you - I beg of you not to blab. If I were you, I'd keep it quiet."
"This is me at eight months, having a blast at a photographer. Jerk had the nerve to ask me to do a dance routine. I let 'im have one of my blue suede booties right in his good luck charm, and not so gently. Christ! Bet that hurt. He'll have to go, come what may, I thought.
Jeez, I had more hair back then, eh! Ah well, I suppose there's no way of bringing it back. Funny how time slips away. I believe I'm such a fool sometimes [sob]. Ah well, it's a matter of time. You can just never say, yes? Anyway, you want me to continue?"
"I was the one doing this really well-paid soldier boy promo for Nixon. I was a poor boy then... sure was a dog's life. But I scored more from that ad than from Heartbreak Hotel. Ha... I remember just at the moment I pulled the trigger I trumpet-farted real loud like, and Dickie pissed himself like a baby". Shame his own gig didn't have such a happy ending. I feel so bad about that. It hurts me... it's always on my mind".
"I often used to print posters like this to throw folks off the scent when I came here. Best passport money could buy, and Immigration still swallows it without a hint of suspicion... there's no trouble when the brown paper envelope appears. I didn't want 'em to spoil the good life here... this is living, man, it's one long fairytale. What a wonderful life it is here, but the Thai-style jelly donuts suck. There's always me ol' Dunkin Donuts tomorrow night, though. The hot dogs aren't too much, but hey, the red curry crawfish is simply tutti-frutti. For ol' times sake, I can do karaoke whenever I want in those booths in Central Arcade, although the ol' hip's a bit dodgy these days. Lousy DVDs though... no-one can tell me why the good ol' songs don't get airplay.
Yeah, buddy, Chiangmai's a never-ending dream - as soon as I arrived, I felt all shook up. I gazed over the blue River Ping and thought "any place is paradise, but here it feels so right". I think I'm gonna like it here. You can really go wild in the country. Girls, girls, girls. Any day now I could get discovered if they ask me anything awkward, but that's alright: I'll be back. It's amazing. Gracelands was never like this. I don't want to go".
My wish came true: all these young Thai girls don't seem to mind too much going with a geriatric dude like me. Who am I to complain? I'm never lonely, man, but I don't wanna be tied by what I've got. A woman means double trouble. Don't mention to this chickie who I am, by the way, or we'll be going our separate ways. I always pick one who doesn't speak English ...all that personal communication stuff sorta, you know, lets the air out of my tyres, know what I mean? These days, it's almost always true, unfortunately, just because I'm gettin' on. I'm doin' the best I can".
At that point, Marvin had to excuse himself as the girlfriend was beginning to sing Hello Mis-TAAH Wel-KAAM to a group of pissed young aussie backpackers who had started to come along. Well, it's now or never. She's one hard-headed woman, this one, but I got lucky. I'm goin' home now. We thanked him and rushed off home to type up the news for you all.
No doubt you recognised all 90 of his song names buried in this article? To celebrate, here’s a short Elvis concentration and memory game for you: this time, try to get a low score. And also an Elvis jigsaw: when two pieces fit, you get a satisfying ‘click’.
(PS Don't tell Elvis I'm rigging the hit counter)