17 December, 2008

George Dubya Bush's new career:
shoe salesman

After being targeted by thousands of shoes during his retirement, George Bush has finally discovered his true niche - going into business disguised as a holy Hindu Sadhu.

Truth be known, it was a well-aimed stiletto heel striking him smack between the eyes which made him realise the error of his dubm ways. Instead of faking it as an illiterate mouthpiece president, he has now collected enough stock to sell shoes through a globalized shoe-vending machine empire. Ain't Capitalism great? He wuz right!

I'm already getting impatient for Congress's anticipated Shoe Bailout

Ironically, business has never looked better for the manufacturer of the shoes which were thrown at Bush. That shoe was called the "Ducati Model 271", since cunningly re-named the "Bush Shoe".

Spot the Difference in the photo below.
After Bush, the American eagle has changed forever:

Do you harbour a secret desire to throw a variety of OTHER objects at Bush as well as shoes? You simply HAVE to see this video (opens in a new window). Go on - you know you want to.

And please do have a shot at the
Sock and Awe game currently being played by millions. Arr, it's so cathartic. I wish you good aim and a high score, FunkyPixers.

13 December, 2008

Heads you win, Tails I lose:
Moore on the Financial Crisis

Beware. American car makers are not what they seem to be. Nothing is what it seems to be.

The world is trapped in an end-game financial meltdown, a suffocating glass box from which there is no obvious escape route. But in truth it is a glass box of the world's own making. We could have avoided it if FunkyPix2's liberal advice over many years had been followed (eg, here, here , or here). Instead, the Rich continue to devise ways by which to get even richer, always at the expense of the Poor. No better example could be found than the recent decision not to bail out the US car-makers.

Michael Moore is right on the money (pun intended) in his latest newsletter where he slams the recent rejection of the US rescue package for the car makers. Moore is sometimes regarded by right-wingers as an over-zealous liberal leftie, so I'm sometimes hesitant to be seen as a mouthpiece for him. However, this time he could not have put it more succinctly when he wrote:
They could have given the loan on the condition that the automakers start building only cars and mass transit that reduce our dependency on oil.
They could have given the loan on the condition that the automakers build cars that reduce global warming.
They could have given the loan on the condition that the automakers withdraw their many lawsuits against state governments in their attempts to not comply with our environmental laws.
They could have given the loan on the condition that the management team which drove these once-great manufacturers into the ground resign and be replaced with a team who understands the transportation needs of the 21st century.
Yes, they could have given the loan for any of these reasons because, in the end, to lose our manufacturing infrastructure and throw 3 million people out of work would be a catastrophe.
But instead, the Senate said, we'll give you the loan only if the factory workers take a $20 an hour cut in wages, pension and health care. That's right. After giving BILLIONS to Wall Street hucksters and criminal investment bankers -- billions with no strings attached and, as we have since learned, no oversight whatsoever -- the Senate decided it is more important to break a union, more important to throw middle class wage earners into the ranks of the working poor than to prevent the total collapse of industrial America.
................ An impoverished CEO does it tough on Main St.

The recent riots in Greece are symptomatic of the public's view of the way wealthy elites are screwing the world. Make no mistake, the death of the 15 year-old boy in Athens was merely the trigger for the riots. The real cause was a much deeper disaffection with imbalances in society... and unless these unfairnesses are soon sorted out more equitably, trouble will certainly spread further afield, and crime rates will soar. People without jobs still have to eat, as they already know in Zimbabwe. The wealthy corporate Status Quo will scornfully label it "Revolution" and call out the riot squad and the media (which they control). And they will get away with it again and again unless ordinary people lose their apathy:

Unless everyday people like you, me, and Dilbert take a principled stand against Globalisation, nothing will improve. To rich people, the profit motive and immediate gratification override everything else. Laboratory rats, given a choice between nutritious food or white sugar, will persist in eating the white sugar until they die of malnutrition.

With all this in mind, let FunkyPix2 cynically offer some novel car-making ideas to the Big Three...

If you're seeking to stimulate new markets, why not colonize oceans?
After all, water covers 2/3 of the world's surface,
so cooling the engine will no longer be a big deal.

...and likewise outer space. No need to worry about CO2 emmissions
as space is full of the stuff anyway.
Aw heck, if all else fails, resort to pure sex-appeal to boost slumping sales.
Here's my prototype for the new Ford SXE:

See another FunkyPix2 photo gallery of truly quirky vehicles here (opens in a new window).

10 December, 2008

"The Australian" runs a blatantly racist headline

Housam El-Afchal and wife Alison on ATM blast charge

Is this headline RACIST? ...or is it just plain RACIST?

When would you ever expect to see a headline like THIS:

Henry E. Williams and wife Alison on ATM blast charge

Why not simply write "Couple charged with ATM blast"? As far as I can tell from search engines, "The Australian" is the only newspaper which chose to include these persons' names in their headline.

Read the "Australian" article here (opens in a new window).

I'm annoyed. Journalism like this either represents deliberate complicity with the government's anti-Muslim fear campaigns, or sheer naivety. The media should be actively disengaging themselves from such racist subtexts. Australia's minority groups deserve better.

All the more reason for you to sign this petition from getup.org.au

03 December, 2008

"Happy Kwanzaa": FunkyPix2's annual "Let's debunk Christmas" heresy

The real reason why Bangkok's airport recently closed down.
Happy Kwanzaa, folks! Kwanzaa is an African harvest holiday which happens to coincide with Xmas. That's as good as any other excuse for a nosh-up.

What was the REAL date of Xmas Day? .... It was probably 17 April, 5 BC, the date of an occultation of Jupiter by the moon, an event which would certainly have held huge astrological significance for the 3 superstitious Magi on their flea-ridden camels. Traditionally, Jupiter was the planet associated with the Zeus, the big boss-cocky among the Greek gods. Jupiter therefore played a key role in horoscopes, portents, and prophecies concerning the birth of kings. On the 17 April of 5 BC, Jupiter was precisely in the east (as the bible accurately says), then freaked out the Magi by vanishing behind the moon.
PS: That's why so many people celebrated Jesus H. Christ's 2000th birthday on 17 April 1995, the real Millenium year. Bet you missed the party.

And how about all that Virgin Birth stuff? Yes, an egg CAN begin dividing spontaneously... in bees and aphis, for example. The highest organism in which parthenogenesis can successfully create a male offspring is... wait for it... the turkey(!) Parthenogenesis can very occasionally happen with humans too, but the foetus cannot develop (I wonder where all these tiny parthenogenetic souls are residing now, given that the Pope has got rid of Limbo). Parthenogenesis requires ALL genetic material to come from the mother. If Mary did produce JC parthenogenetically, then JC would have to have been a girl, not a boy. Jesa Christine?
In fact, genuine human parthogenesis is impossible: Mary would have to have had both X and Y chromosomes in order to produce a boy. According to religious extremists (eg, Christians), God must have used heavenly cloning techniques unknown to humans of 2000 years ago. The closest thing Science has recorded so far is a single case of partial parthenogenesis where a boy (known in scientific literature as FD ) was the result of a sperm fertilising an egg which had already spontaneously started dividing (the sperm didn't get to the church on time, ho ho) Incidentally, the boy FD has a mild learning disability, slight facial assymetry, small testes, and his blood bears no genetic trace of any father. The perfect candidate for the latest Messiah?

...and as for Xmas shopping and gift-giving
...bah humbug. All I want for Christmas is a free membership of S.C.R.O.O.G.E., the Society to Curtail Ridiculous, Outrageous and Ostentatious Gift Exchange. I realize this is breaking with a long tradition:

And now, Your Honour, the Prosecution will present its case against the myth of Christmas Night.

The latest anti-Santa chimney, brought to you by the same
thoughtful folks who created the anti-Jehovah Witness door

By one estimate, there are about 842 million chimneys. Given the average distance between houses, this means that Santa has to travel about 356 million kilometres in a single night. He begins delivering presents at the international date line at the stroke of midnight, but hey, Santa's one smart dude. He cunningly can remain on the international date line, giving him a full 24 hours.
But he does even better than this - he can travel backwards, against the direction of the rotation of the earth. giving himself a further 24 hours to complete his deliveries. Your Honour, even with this extended 48-hour schedule, Santa has only 2 ten-thousanths of a second to travel from one house to the next.

To achieve this, his sleigh would have to fly at a speed of 2,060 km per second. This is 6,395 times the speed of sound. Santa must have developed software to suppress sonic booms. And this speed doesn't take into account the fact that he has to carry a sack loaded with presents for 2,106 million children.
BUT, Your Honour... Santa also needs extra time to squeeze down each of the 842 million chimneys, select and place presents under the tree, fill stockings, gulp his dry martini and cookies, then climb back up to the sleigh, and fly on to the next house... from a standing start! He therefore may have to reduce his time allocation per house to only one ten-thousanth of a second. Clearly, Your Honour, Santa's Xmas feat is clearly a load of bollocks, which immediately throws suspicion on his insatiable urge to visit himself upon young children so late at night.

One of Santa's real sleighs, overloaded at Bangkok during the recent
airport blockade. Prezzies may be a tad late this year, kids.

Fortunately for Santa, Einstein's Theory of Relativity and nanotechnology may come to his rescue. The higher Santa's speed, the more Time dilates and Space contracts, giving ample opportunity, even months, to leisurely deliver all those presents in what for the rest of us is a blink of an eye.

Next, I'll tackle the all mythical cr*p about

Rudolph's nose is red only because reindeer noses provide a welcoming environment for bacteria. Reindeer have elaborately folded turbinal bones, covered with blood-rich membranes which warm the air as they breathe in, and cool the air as they breathe out, thereby reducing the loss of both heat and water (Even when there are icicles and frost on Santa's beard, his reindeer will have dry muzzles). Rudolph's red nose is therefore most likely caused by a parasitic infection of his respiratory system:

Did you know that Lapplanders and other ethnic northern peoples use only castrated male reindeer to pull loads? Only castrated males retain their headgear beyond Xmas day, whereas fully functional males squander their energy - and their antlers - on sex and violence. By the time Xmas arrives, the only adult reindeers with antlers - and enough energy - to drag around a sleigh full of presents, are likely to be female. Gee wiz, somebody lied.

Rudolphina, worse for wear the morning after

Santa was having a bad hair day. He felt sick, his elves had drunk all his cider, the reindeer had gone AWOL, and his sled broke a floorboard. He was rapidly losing his patience.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it? '
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

FunkyPix2 loves challenging myths, so here we go again. According to the Koran [Qu’ran], Jesus probably wasn’t born at Bethlehem but just down the hill at the small town of Abu Diyah. 
And did you know that myrrh, when dissolved in water, is a form of painkiller?


1. Highfield, Roger. Can Reindeer Fly? The Science of Christmas. Metro Books, London, 1998.

2. All of my previous posts, including earlier anti-Xmas rants, are under the heading of "Religious Issues" here in a new window. If you love Jesus H. Christ, don't look here.

22 November, 2008

Finally...an Israeli talking common sense about Gaza

Larry Derfner's article in the Jerusalem Post is a fall of rain in the (literal) desert of the Middle East. Larry can see that the emperor really doesn't have any clothes, and has the courage to say so. Here's his opening paragraph:
We have to change the way we think about Gaza, we have to change the way we act, we have to stop bashing Gazans around as mindlessly and automatically as we do. Israel's war with Gaza has to be the most one-sided war on earth, and it is causing tremendous unnecessary suffering to people there, it's putting Israeli soldiers and civilians in unnecessary danger, and it is leading Israel toward a big, bloody invasion that will get a lot of people on both sides killed for nothing.
At last ! a moderate Israeli who understands that co-operation and negotiation represent the only solution for the Middle East:


But of course Israeli nationalist right wing hawks swarm like angry ants at the first sign of compromise. Here a selection of their brain-washed facile responses for your inspection, Dear Thinking Reader:
*Why, it's simple you are 100% wrong 100% of the time. We should truly disengage ourselves. Meaning close the border to ALL traffic, turn off the power and water. Then whenever any attack comes our way return 100,000 artillery rounds. We will have peace one way or another.
*Solution...Post signs at all Hamas/Gaza weapons smuggle tunnels limiting all future use to bringing only UN food.....if that doesn't work...nuke 'em !!!
*The proper response to continued attack from Gaza would be to take territory permanently away from the Hamas occupiers. Lets start at the north west border fo Gaza and for each missle, morter or incursion from Gaza a 100 meter wide section of the country, from the sea to the opposite side of the strip is occupied, bulldozed down to bedrock and the rubble thrown into the sea. If the owners of the buildings want to remain in them, fine. Bulldoze them under as well. Eventually you will have one of two conditions. Either the whole of the strip is gone, or the muslims learn that war is costly.
Dear Reader, I leave you to draw your own considered and detached conclusions.
(Do you remember when Israeli bulldozers callously crushed Palestinians to death as they slept at Jenin?)

"Ah cain't fergit the horrrr of them chahpers in 'Nam. Jest werrrn't worrrth it."

Many hotels here in Thailand refuse to accept people presenting Israeli passports. Malaysia refuses to allow Israelis into the country at all.

...... Choose your own caption to the above photo:
...... [a] ..The UN Assembly voting (yet again) to condemn Israel's violence
...... [b]...Republicans voting to condemn the UN
...... [b] ..Hungry Gazan citizens begging for bread and water

I have composed a piece for string orchestra about the reconciliation process between Israel and Palestine. Oddly enough, it's entitled Reconciliation. It's hosted on MySpace Music here: this link will open conveniently in a new window. Once you're in MySpace, you can read my program notes if you click the 'Lyrics' link (even after the music has started). Crank up the volume slider control to the max before you begin, as the music opens extremely

12 November, 2008

2066 And All That.
In Pictures - the financial crisis

Here boy, Catch! It's so cool to chase the Stockmarket Frisbee, wherever it goes. Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Right at this moment we're feeling fairly much how this pooch feels as the penny drops (pun intended). Gee golly whiz, it's all been a massive hoax! Gosh. It's one of those "rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights" moments, which everyone (except the Joe the friggin' Plumber and me) apparently knew was coming:

Luckily, I stashed one of these free Mugabe lunch vouchers in my wallet:

...and, together with my financial adviser (my wife), devised a foolproof Personal Bailout Plan:

Things are lookin' bad, George... your Texas limousine may soon look like this:

We all know, however, that any crisis could be fixed if only everyone went out and did more SHOPPING with their credit card:

Avoid using cash at all costs. Banker Henry Paulsen apparently agrees with FunkyPix2, having just re-jigged the US bailout away from toxic assets in favour of assisting marginal banks dish out yet more consumer credit... which (if I'm not mistaken) was the original cause of the crash, yes/no?
Throwing water onto the fire? Petrol? Or whisky?

...... ......or is it simply that Paulsen happens to own a bunch of shares in those banks?



.. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

.. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

.. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

.. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Breaking News for those investing money in Japan:

'Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rocks in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut its branches. Yesterday it was announced that Kamacazi Bank was suspended after it nosed-dived. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared the staff my get a raw deal’.
Aw heck, I'd say it's still possible to identify unexploited business opportunities in Japan:

Want to trigger a stampede at the office?

No need to throw shoes at the boss... just circulate this memo:

Attention all staff:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to
be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and
SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not recieve enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisors. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

And now here is the Finance News. This is a nasty graph of the latest performance of the Australian dollar against the Thai baht. As Australians, our purchasing power here in Thailand is reduced to only two-thirds of what it was in July. Eeeek.

06 November, 2008

The U.S. Puppy Election: the race to become First Dog in the White House

Republicans always prefer conventional dogs, pretty dogs, wealthy dogs, white dogs... mostly BORING dogs... to be nominated as First Canine in the White House... and probably military dogs if they thought they could get away with it:

However, under Bark Obama's superior guidance and liberal vision, I expect that some disadvantaged and unusual dogs, ugly underdogs and dog minority groups, will be offered equal opportunity to succeed to Caninity's highest position. In Dog We Trust... after all, America is the Howly Land, innit?

FunkyPix2 hereby nominates some candidates for the official position of White House Puppy:
........ [PS: correspondence may be entered into. Australian dollars, please]

... and every good political rally or Dogvention should conclude with a rollicking good song:

Howl together now!!
...and you never know, in another 50 years a talented young pooch (maybe black?) could emerge from obscurity to take over Tony Snow's role as presidential attack-person ...and would certainly do a fairer more balanced job:

The rise and rise of dogs in the White House may even signal an Obama-McCanine Democratic ticket in 2012. And why not? They once laughed and claimed that a black person could never become president... didn't they? Scottie would have made a better presidog than Bush, for sure.

STOP PRESS !! FunkyPix2's puppy bid now has competition from the government of Peru, who are offering the Whine House a bald long-eared toothless mangy mutt which they claim to be non-allergenic to children!!! Looks like a cross between a rat and a rabbit. Video here.
Ha! Cheap shot. Cunning marketing. Horrid dastardly trick. Don't believe 'em, Bark.