Happy Kwanzaa, folks! Kwanzaa is an African harvest holiday which happens to coincide with Xmas. With Berreck Obamma's star rising, Kwanzaa could (with any luck) become more politically correct than Christ-bloody-mess. Except that even our Berreck is urging everyone to spend spend spend to get out of the Depression. It's a capitalist plot, I tell ya. 
What was the REAL date of Xmas Day? .... It was probably 17 April, 5 BC, the date of an occultation of Jupiter by the moon, an event which would certainly have held huge astrological significance for the 3 superstitious Magi on their flea-ridden camels. Traditionally, Jupiter was the planet associated with the Zeus, the big boss-cocky among the Greek gods. Jupiter therefore played a key role in horoscopes, portents, and prophecies concerning the birth of kings. On the 17 April of 5 BC, Jupiter was precisely in the east (as the bible accurately says), then freaked out the Magi by vanishing behind the moon. PS: That's why so many people celebrated Jesus H. Christ's 2000th birthday on 17 April 1995, the real Millenium year. Bet you missed the party.
And how about all that Virgin Birth stuff? Yes, an egg CAN begin dividing spontaneously... in bees and aphis, for example. The highest organism in which parthenogenesis can successfully create a male offspring is... wait for it... the turkey(!) Parthenogenesis can very occasionally happen with humans too, but the foetus cannot develop (I wonder where all these tiny parthenogenetic souls are residing now, given that the Pope has got rid of Limbo). Parthenogenesis requires ALL genetic material to come from the mother. If Mary did produce JC parthenogenetically, then JC would have to have been a girl, not a boy. Jesa Christine?
In fact, genuine human parthogenesis is impossible: Mary would have to have had both X and Y chromosomes in order to produce a boy. According to religious extremists (eg, Christians), God must have used heavenly cloning techniques unknown to humans of 2000 years ago. The closest thing Science has recorded so far is a single case of partial parthenogenesis where a boy (known in scientific literature as FD ) was the result of a sperm fertilising an egg which had already spontaneously started dividing (the sperm didn't get to the church on time, ho ho) Incidentally, the boy FD has a mild learning disability, slight facial assymetry, small testes, and his blood bears no genetic trace of any father. The perfect candidate for the latest Messiah? 
...and as for Xmas shopping and gift-giving...bah humbug. All I want for Christmas is a free membership of S.C.R.O.O.G.E., the Society to Curtail Ridiculous, Outrageous and Ostentatious Gift Exchange. I realize this is breaking with a long tradition:
And now, Your Honour, the Prosecution will present its case against the myth of Christmas Night.
thoughtful folks who created the anti-Jehovah Witness door
By one estimate, there are about 842 million chimneys. Given the average distance between houses, this means that Santa has to travel about 356 million kilometres in a single night. He begins delivering presents at the international date line at the stroke of midnight, but hey, Santa's one smart dude. He cunningly can remain on the international date line, giving him a full 24 hours.
But he does even better than this - he can travel backwards, against the direction of the rotation of the earth. giving himself a further 24 hours to complete his deliveries. Your Honour, even with this extended 48-hour schedule, Santa has only 2 ten-thousanths of a second to travel from one house to the next.
BUT, Your Honour... Santa also needs extra time to squeeze down each of the 842 million chimneys, select and place presents under the tree, fill stockings, gulp his dry martini and cookies, then climb back up to the sleigh, and fly on to the next house... from a standing start! He therefore may have to reduce his time allocation per house to only one ten-thousanth of a second. Clearly, Your Honour, Santa's Xmas feat is clearly a load of bollocks, which immediately throws suspicion on his insatiable urge to visit himself upon young children so late at night.
airport blockade. Prezzies may be a tad late this year, kids.
Fortunately for Santa, Einstein's Theory of Relativity and nanotechnology may come to his rescue. The higher Santa's speed, the more Time dilates and Space contracts, giving ample opportunity, even months, to leisurely deliver all those presents in what for the rest of us is a blink of an eye.
Next, the heart-warming Christmas Goat Saga(violins, please). An international charity has been donating goats to grateful communities around the central Srilankan town of Anaradhapura (all together now... aaahhh!). The intention was to provide milk, procreate a national herd, and thus kickstart an industry.
The outcome has not been quite up to expectations as the goats have mostly been roasted the minute they arrive. Lately, however, goats have been (voluntarily) drafted by the Sinhalese military as landmine-sweepers. Their salary is $4 per month, paid to the farmer in trust for the National Goat Retirement Fund. So, praise Satan, goats are far better off now. 
Mysteriously, though, there's a new shop selling freshly baked goat-mince pies set up outside the Ministry of Foreign Trade in Galle Road, Colombo, but the influential Tamil owners are refusing to comment. Oddly, the small print on the wrapper reads "May contain traces of peanuts and shrapnel".
Kiss your goat goodbye, then send this postcard to all its kids:
Next, I'll tackle the all mythical cr*p about Reindeer! Rudolph's nose is red only because reindeer noses provide a welcoming environment for bacteria. Reindeer have elaborately folded turbinal bones, covered with blood-rich membranes which warm the air as they breathe in, and cool the air as they breathe out, thereby reducing the loss of both heat and water (Even when there are icicles and frost on Santa's beard, his reindeer will have dry muzzles). Rudolph's red nose is therefore most likely caused by a parasitic infection of his respiratory system:
Rudolphina, worse for wear the morning after 
Did you know that Lapplanders and other ethnic northern peoples use only castrated male reindeer to pull loads? Only castrated males retain their headgear beyond Xmas day, whereas fully functional males squander their energy - and their antlers - on sex and violence. By the time Xmas arrives, the only adult reindeers with antlers - and enough energy - to drag around a sleigh full of presents, are likely to be female. Gee wiz, somebody's been lying to me.
Santa was having a bad hair day. He felt sick, his elves had drunk all his cider, the reindeer had gone AWOL, and his sled broke a floorboard. He was rapidly losing his patience.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it? '
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it? '
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. FunkyPix2 loves challenging myths, so here we go again. According to the Koran [Qu’ran], Jesus probably wasn’t born at Bethlehem but just down the hill at the small town of Abu Diyah. And did you know that myrrh, when dissolved in water, is a form of painkiller?
References:
1. Highfield, Roger. Can Reindeer Fly? The Science of Christmas. Metro Books, London, 1998.2. All of my previous posts, including earlier anti-Xmas rants, are under the heading of "Religious Issues" here in a new window. If you love Jesus H. Christ, don't look here.
Dear Peter
ReplyDeleteThank you for revealing Santa's plight. He asked me to pass on his best wishes [and 3 complimentary ho's], and to point out that the Xmas Workers Union is refusing to pay him overtime for delivering to houses which lack chimneys. Please would you point this out on your 2009 anti-Xmas post?
Cheers
Hillary.