04 January, 2007

FunkyPix2 reveals draft questions from leaked internal memo to Amanda Vanstone

 Ducklips Howard tries one last desperate elimination strategy.
SCOOP!!! FunkyPix2 has obtained access to a leaked internal memo from the office of the Australian Foreign Minister Amanda Vampire. It contains proposed questions for the Citizenship Exam for perusal by the Minister; after each question there are comments and rationale to assist the Minister's approval in the event that she isn't sure which answer is correct.


Recipient: Immigration Minister.
Instructions to Candidates:
1. You have 3 minutes to answer 10 very simple questions.

2. Use a pencil to write your answers.
3. Afterwards, you can all come to a free BBQ if you wish.

1. A ‘banger’ is a
[a] sausage
[b] detonator
[c] mythomaniacal unicameralist

Remarks: If they haven't brought a pencil, they fail.
If they answer [a], they are sympathetic to English culture, so don’t deserve Australian citizenship. Automatic fail and convey candidate to British embassy under armed guard to apply for UK refugee status.
If they answer [b], they fail, get arrested, searched and deported within 24 hours.
If they answer [c], they’re clearly cunning enough to avoid the risks of answering [a] or [b], but are probably guessing the meaning of the words, so should fail. The answer is wrong anyway. If they DO know the meaning, they are likely to become constitutional dissidents or illegal Green/Labor voters, so should also fail by dint of Clause 5(e) of the Discretionary Citizenship Test Assessment Act, 2006.


2. How many states are there in Australia?
[a] 8
[b] 2
[c] 51
[d] liquid, gas, and solid

Remarks: Unless they put up their hand to ask if the number 7 is missing, it will be a mandatory fail, even if they are technically correct by selecting [d].

3. Which one of the following is more liberal in its philosophy regarding Australian politics?
[a] The Liberal Party
[a] Labor Left-wing scumbags
[c] the Guilty Party

Remarks: If they should happen to guess the correct answer [b], they should fail anyway [see 1c].

4. How many stripes are there on the Australian flag?
[a] 13
[b] 44

[c]  Pie Floater with mashed peas

Remarks: If they answer [a], they are sympathetic to American culture, so don’t deserve Australian citizenship. Automatic fail, and convey candidate to American embassy under armed guard to apply for Green Card status or political asylum.
If they answer [b], they’re guessing, or know the telephonic country code for the UK. Fail and deport to any other convenient Commonwealth country, except maybe Fiji.
The only possible way to pass this one is to put up their hand to ask if the correct option (ie, “No stripes”) is missing. If they do raise their hand, the Supervising Officer can contrive to be slow to respond, thereby using up valuable time and putting the candidate at a disadvantage on the rest of the test. It’s a Win/Win for Immigration.

5. Write A for Agree, or D for Disagree:
[__] Schools should install a prominent flagpole and fly an Australian flag.
[__] Secular schools should employ a chaplain.
[__] Good citizens must be able to recite excerpts from the Qu’ran.
[__] Good citizens should know off by heart and be able to defend Clause 7a of the Border Protection Act, 2004.
[__] Good citizens should oppose Euthanasia and Abortion.
[__] The presence of Australian troops in Iraq represents the spreading of Freedom and Democracy to the entire Middle East, and is therefore worth the sacrifice of Pre-Emptive Defence.
[__] Individual Workplace Agreements are better than Collective Bargaining because Unions are by their nature evil and always corrupt.

Remarks: These are straightforward and balanced; no comment necessary, even for you. The correct answer sequence is AADAAAA.

6. The earliest genuine Australians were
[a] illegal Boat-people
[b] illegal Canoe-people
[c] lawful, hard-working, responsible settlers who arrived in ships from England in 1788

7. How many coldies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 130 km/h? (specify brand, size, %)

8. Mateship is
[a] everybody pulling together
[b] a weekend 'boys-only' cruise to Hayman
[c] your friend’s hip
[d] a carpet designed for boats

9. In 25 words or fewer, precisely define the term ‘conical spiral’.


Remarks: Minister, just about all of them will fail this one – it's really difficult to express in words, AND it's an open-ended question. Have a go at it yourself, Mrs Wankstone! If they resort to a diagram, they fail because they haven’t exactly addressed the requirements of the question. Passing or failing this one is completely up to the discretion of the Immigration Officer who marks it hehehe. Got ’em!

10. A ‘crow-eater’ is a
[a] citizen of South Australia
[b] peasant from Vietnam
[c] Victorian AFL forward

Remarks: Minister, this last one is a fair and balanced ‘cultural content’ question in the unexpected event we get accused of bias.

...and finally, the BBQ elimination strategy:
In the rare event of candidates passing, they can be arbitrarily eliminated by a panel of judges watching the secret CCTV recording of the BBQ. If the candidate does not know what a BBQ is, they fail. If they choose not to attend the BBQ, they fail. If they do attend, but don’t behave in appropriate Aussie ways, they will also fail (see below). Finally, if necessary, we can ensure a fail by altering their responses on the written part of the test. That's why we specified pencil (lol).
Required BBQ behaviour criteria:
(1). Must volunteer to be the chef and look/ask for an apron (deliberately concealed);
(2). Crack at least one sexist joke; NO political jokes tolerated;
(3). Not associate with the opposite sex unless briefly necessary to fulfil (2);
(4). Consume at least 2 stubbies (or equivalent). Must select full strength;
(5). Candidates should take active steps to steer clear of the Tomyum, Shawarma, Mlokhiya, and especially the Kibbeh, Maamoul bi Tamr, and Arabica coffee.
(6). Say "Cheers, mite" at least ONCE, raising the arm through a minimum of 105°.

Valued FunkyPix2 Reader, now that you (as a qualified Australian citizen) have probably failed this test yourself, console yourself by watching this brief animated cartoon by Peter Nicholson of the Australian Newspaper.

....and here's FunkyPix2's Cartoon Page to further raise your spirits and prepare you mentally for the next Strayan Feral Election:

FunkyPix2 Employment Classifieds:
Wanted: Radio Talkback Host, appearance not important, preferably ex-minister at feral gumment level. Must be more heavily right-wing opinionated than John Laws, have a proven racist track record, and be able to rebut any critical questions with quick populist wit, distraction and ridicule. Must be able to fit behind existing console at 2UA or be prepared to pay for re-modelling. Lawsuit insurance essential, cost borne by applicant.

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