29 May, 2007

AMANDA VANSTONE’s Christmases Past and Future: Careers, Affairs... we tell it all

Ex-senator Amanda Vanstone had a moonlighting second job in a lesbian jelly-wresting all-girl band, and never paid any tax. She was "Man van Rock" to her unsuspecting fans - both of them.
Amanda Vanstone’s life has been a rumpled quilt of many patches. Now she’s ended up with a sideways promotion from John Ducklips Howard and will live bitchily ever afterwards in Italy [read: “Well-away-from-Australia-where-she-is-less-likely-to-cause-trouble-to-Howard-before-the-election”].

And what an opulent Golden Handshake it was!! Howard ain’t confessing anything much about numbers, except that Vanstone’s getting the same salary as the former ambassador – who got quietly bumped at 3 hours’ notice… quite co-incidentally, of course. But wait, there’s more. Vanstone has been allocated an outfit allowance so she can buy a whole new wardrobe (if local tailors can ever find bolts of material wide enough). Clearly she’ll need a striped Gondolier’s t-shirt for her weekends in Venice. Me-wonder what she’ll wear for her début in the Colleseum… hmm, a lyin' costume, maybe?

Ex-minister Vanstone will also receive an overseas allowance, a transfer allowance, a head-of-mission allowance, household assistance, and a vehicle. She’s also getting Italian language training worth about AU$5,000 (Gosh, I wonder if refugees or migrants were ever offered that much free language training when she was Minister at the Deportment of Immigration. I bet Vanstone already knows Italian words like foccacia, canneloni, ravioli, parmesan etc. Vital words for survival in such a dangerous and remote un-Australian environment).

In Rome (quite close to the Vatican),Vanstone's personal domestic staff of 5 will comprise a butler, a maid, a gardener, a chef, and a chauffeur. Then there’s also all the staff of the Australian Embassy to help her to cook the books and to deal with all those - ugh - "persons of foreign appearance"... ewww... she tells herself to resist the urge to lock them all up in detention centres. There may also have been a quiet payment from Uno-Hoo under the table in exchange for "shutting-the-f*ck-up"... who will ever know? The lesson I take from this is that being a complete arsehole pays off.

Amanda Vanstone has apparently instructed her gardener to prepare some delicate diplomatic topiaries in preparation for meeting-and-greeting her new neighbours in Rome.

This family-size symbolic frisbee was Amanda’s parting fling to John Howard for being so kind in finding her a new job. A security man intercepted the hot pizza just in the nick of time. Neapolitan with double anchovies and diced razor-blades in the crust, he later remarked.

Howard had hedged his bets on sacking Vanstone. It was a delicate political balancing act. But, like most of Howard’s bright ideas, it eventually backfired (spot the incoming pizza).

FunkyPix2 now takes an exclusive peek through the keyhole of Amanda’s lurid life-history. Did you know she married when she was younger? Can you imagine that? Here’s a rare photo of her as a young woman:

Amanda Vanstone is introduced to her future husband Clancy
for the first time on Channel 9’s “Blind Date” programme in 1965.

It was a rather unbalanced marriage. This was the day she had lost her puppy.

A year later they separated. Clancy got literature and love-handles.

Amanda found her next heart-throb while on holiday in a Japanese winter resort. It was immediately after this that she applied to the Public Service in Wollongong – and the rest is history - all downhill.

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