Ex-senator Amanda Vanstone had a moonlighting second job in a lesbian jelly-wresting all-girl band, and never paid any tax. She was "Man van Rock" to her unsuspecting fans - both of them. Amanda Vanstone’s life has been a rumpled quilt of many patches. Now she’s ended up with a sideways promotion from John Ducklips Howard and will live bitchily ever afterwards in Italy [read: “Well-away-from-Australia-where-she-is-less-likely-to-cause-trouble-to-Howard-before-the-election”].And what an opulent Golden Handshake it was!! Howard ain’t confessing anything much about numbers, except that Vanstone’s getting the same salary as the former ambassador – who got quietly bumped at 3 hours’ notice… quite co-incidentally, of course. But wait, there’s more. Vanstone has been allocated an outfit allowance so she can buy a whole new wardrobe (if local tailors can ever find bolts of material wide enough). Clearly she’ll need a striped Gondolier’s t-shirt for her weekends in Venice. Me-wonder what she’ll wear for her début in the Colleseum… hmm, a lyin' costume, maybe?
Ex-minister Vanstone will also receive an overseas allowance, a transfer allowance, a head-of-mission allowance, household assistance, and a vehicle. She’s also getting Italian language training worth about AU$5,000 (Gosh, I wonder if refugees or migrants were ever offered that much free language training when she was Minister at the Deportment of Immigration. I bet Vanstone already knows Italian words like foccacia, canneloni, ravioli, parmesan etc. Vital words for survival in such a dangerous and remote un-Australian environment).In Rome (quite close to the Vatican),Vanstone's personal domestic staff of 5 will comprise a butler, a maid, a gardener, a chef, and a chauffeur. Then there’s also all the staff of the Australian Embassy to help her to cook the books and to deal with all those - ugh - "persons of foreign appearance"... ewww... she tells herself to resist the urge to lock them all up in detention centres. There may also have been a quiet payment from Uno-Hoo under the table in exchange for "shutting-the-f*ck-up"... who will ever know? The lesson I take from this is that being a complete arsehole pays off.
Amanda Vanstone has apparently instructed her gardener to prepare some delicate diplomatic topiaries in preparation for meeting-and-greeting her new neighbours in Rome.
This family-size symbolic frisbee was Amanda’s parting fling to John Howard for being so kind in finding her a new job. A security man intercepted the hot pizza just in the nick of time. Neapolitan with double anchovies and diced razor-blades in the crust, he later remarked.
Howard had hedged his bets on sacking Vanstone. It was a delicate political balancing act. But, like most of Howard’s bright ideas, it eventually backfired (spot the incoming pizza).FunkyPix2 now takes an exclusive peek through the keyhole of Amanda’s lurid life-history. Did you know she married when she was younger? Can you imagine that? Here’s a rare photo of her as a young woman:
Amanda Vanstone is introduced to her future husband Clancy
for the first time on Channel 9’s “Blind Date” programme in 1965.
It was a rather unbalanced marriage. This was the day she had lost her puppy.
A year later they separated. Clancy got literature and love-handles.
Amanda found her next heart-throb while on holiday in a Japanese winter resort. It was immediately after this that she applied to the Public Service in Wollongong – and the rest is history - all downhill.
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