23 June, 2007

Ten Traffic Commandments: the view from here at Reality

Calvary Intersection is a known hot-spot for blaspheming. But the pope is instructing drivers to pray “Holy Mary, Mother of God” a couple of times before they set off, so all will soon be Peace and Lights on Hell’s highways.
The Vatican's Ten Traffic Commandments are an attention-seeking strategy which has as much to do with re-gaining public sympathy for a sinking church as with improving road safety. While ostensibly driven by charitably humane intentions, the thinly-concealed sub-agenda is to spread the alleged 'word of god', thereby encouraging conversions to Roman Catholicism.

Funkypix2 supports safer roads too, but would also like to protect the world from the mealy-mouthed Catholic Church.
(To find the reasons why, check out Browse by Category in the sidebar, and click on the link Religious Issues.)

The pope’s strategy is to use rational bait to attract people to an irrational organisation. Having unloaded that, I must applaud ANY spotlight thrust on safer driving, but I ain’t about to pray or cross myself every time I get into a car. That’s where the pope crosses the line into propaganda. Holy Shit, Baitman!

If the church is so convinced of the power of prayer, may I suggest they set up a motor insurance company called Saint Christopher Underwiting & Miracle Management (SCUMM) offering cut-rate premiums, funded by the Church's addiction to its gambling habit (=Bingo). Or maybe the Papal Intervention Safety Scam (PISS Inc.). I’d sign up in a heartbeat if all we had to do was hang a (cheap plastic) rosary from the rear-view mirror.

FunkyPix2 now presents a gallery of extremely holy photos to explain some of Benny’s All-new Traffic Commandments …and to raise a few tricky questions he and god may not have adequately considered:

Every second motorcycle rider here in Thailand chats into a mobile as they drive…

…so the Church should either pray that older-style mobile phones be brought back into service…

…or if it can’t convince police to take action, it should at least erect signs like this around the Vatican as an example of strong moral leadership.

FunkyPix2 suggests that the Vatican set up "Driver Reviver" stations so tired drivers can rest and get some snacks or drinks:

The "Body-of-Christ-Burger" ...served with red cordial?

But Thou Shalt Not eat Chicken McNuggets while driving. Prince Charles doesn’t, and he’s only a mere Anglican, so neither should you. It would be better to buy the Vatican model toaster which can be set to your favourite saint/pope:

(Well, magic Jatukam amulets seem to work on Thailand's roads. Why not toasters? See more incredible images of Cheesus at the end of this article.
If you absolutely insist on tearing up the road at over 666 cubits per hour…

...Know Ye that ye will be caught on Holy Speed Camera , and taxed 30 silver denarii for the Swiss Guard's Christmas party slush fund…

…and you’d better have a functioning rear vision mirror, or you’ll have to say three Hail Marys and/or kiss the priest’s sweaty ass during Confession.

Thou Shalt Not Overload…or you’d better hope god doesn’t have a bad hair Judgment Day.

Thou Shalt Not Forget Thy Chastity Belt.

Thou Shalt Love Thy Neighbour even while overtaking…

…provided your Third Party Property policy’s up to date.

Thou need no longer walk behind thy husband’s smelly camel.

No driving after Johnny Ducklips' parties at Kirribilli House (at tax-payer expense).

This V8 Tankillac illustrates the Commandment “Thou Shall Not Drive Aggressively”. See more amazingly sinful vehicles at the Bangkok International Motor Show.

God’s Commandments don’t apply to Israelis though. Therefore Bush can pay them to be as aggressive as they like, especially to Lebanese, Palestinians, Iranians, Egyptians, and dammit, anyone at all who disagrees with either themselves or Bush.

Say Not to Thy Neighbour stuff like “We warned you not to park there, didn’t we, asshole?”, but rather be not warlike nor take up thy sword.

Good drivers should be considerate to god’s Animals…

…or you may holy provoke animal road rage: “You killed my brother, you dirty rotten SCUMMbag”.

Remember god’s words when she said “God created a place for all the animals, birds of the sea, and fishes of the air, but Jeez, brother, it ain’t in the carpool lane.”

Surely the Ten Traffic Commandments must apply to water traffic too…

…or had god not noticed this fatal ship-strike on a Right Whale? And did god forget about Commandments for Air Traffic? Surely she would be qualified above all others to pontificate upon road rules for people in such high places.

Thy Vehicle Shall Not Be an Occasion of Sin…

....................…or worse, you god-damned Gentile!

Footnote: Benny hasn’t yet revealed which mountain he scaled to receive these stone Traffic Commandment tablets from god. If god supplied them on a hard disk, did she also supply a Backup copy? I refuse to believe pope Ben would fib and forge them himself on his home PC. We’ll keep you posted. We do, however, have irrefutable evidence of a Burning Bush which speaks (...well, er, ya know, sort of... but hardly to biblical grammatical standards).

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