Snap, Crackle, and POPE! The case against rote-learning in Extremist Christian Training Camps in Australia

A young Christian fanatic at a training camp in Australia.

Shocking news has been leaked that extremist Christian operatives (including members of the subversive ‘Catholic’ sect with its cardinal ringleader George W. Pell) have been implicated in the indoctrination of young recruits in religious schools around Sydney.

These centres of radical Christian indoctrination are sometimes described benignly as ‘Sunday Schools’ or ‘Private Schools’ in order to deflect local media attention. With his avowed aim of world domination (“Conversion”), Pell forces his young trainees to recite prayers and doctrine from memory. Some youngsters have been taken (sometimes against their will) from middle-class homes and sent to boarding schools in remote outer suburbs, well away from Centrelink offices.

Shops like this harmless-looking fromagerie often serve as secret ‘fronts’ for
strict religious schools run with military precision by heavy-handed priests.

Via a secret agent in Sri Lanka, FunkyPix2 has obtained original scripts from some of these recruits. They reveal an alarming paucity of understanding of Christianity, let alone any grip on reality. The standard of future missionaries is set to collapse to an all-time low. Here we quote some examples from their school writing-slates:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah. He slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is Thou Shalt Not Admit Adultery.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistels were the wives of the apostles. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

So that this sort of claptrap can be propagated even more, the Christian extremist Howard Government has now agreed that every Australian public(!) school will be eligible for $20,000 of your taxes to employ a chaplain “…provided that the government is happy with the choice of spiritual guidance provider”. Sounds like George W. Orwell, yes/no? (Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists or other suspicious dark-skinned people need not apply in John Ducklips Howard’s New Racist Australia). All this… and a school flagpole as well?? Partisan and divisive nationalist bullshit like this brings out the ranting evangelical atheist in me. AAAHHRRGGHH !!!

The spiritual figurehead of the Catholic Cult rarely makes a public appearance.

To prove Jeshua (Jesus's real name) never really died, his supporters spend all day trying to get 2mm camels through eyes of needles. No-one quite knows who benefits from the exercise, but hey, ain't nanotechnology fun?

Another leading light among Christians. Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries, anyone? And why does he have an enormous bruise on his bum?

Christian extremists conduct secret annual ceremonies in the attempt to convince young recruits that it’s not really just a load of hocus-pocus crud.

Christian training camps allegedly teach recruits simulations of ghastly torture techniques. Bizarrely, on the day when they’re supposed to be well-behaved, recruits are expected to drink their leader’s blood and eat his body. Makes you wonder what they do on the other 6 days when they're at liberty to sin…

Sweet Jesus. Christ chocolafied on the cross.
At last, something to get the teeth into.

Homer in role as Jesus of Asparagus. Cartoons are used by unscrupulous 'terrevangelists' lure young trainees into extremist Christian training camps. Once inside, they gradually realise the awful Truth about doctrinal rubbish about virgin births, life after death, etc. The basic message these kids learn is "It's OK to continue the lies because we've been told to do it... it's our duty". The long-term outcome can be observed on occasions like the Abu Grahib trials.

Holy Molar! The X-ray of Turin. Fake? ...or fraud?
We report, you decide... FAHX NOOZE.

Now you can confess online at iGod, your own private chatroom with god. Go on, don’t be shy… tell her you screwed a sheep. God will reply in person in chatroom format.

.. iGod has been sponsored by Mr Mark L. Chucky, formerly of Canberra.

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