Rabbit Eggs and other miracles: An EASTER photo gallery

A rabbit making Easter eggs.

Easter ain't what it used to be. These days it's about chocolate eggs, fluffy pink wabbits, and nauseating cards. But rabbits? ...making eggs? OK, someone's sold us a porkie down the line. So - what was Easter about in times past?
Well, it certainly wasn't christian - because Jeshua (Jesus' real name) wasn't yet around during the Neolithic and Bronze ages. Easter used to be a rollicking festival celebrating the lustful urges of the feisty Anglo-Saxon cum Phonecian goddess of Spring Astarte

(or Eastre, Astroarche, Ashtoroth, Isis, Hathor, Aphrodite, Demeter, or Ishtar the equivalent Babylonian goddess). In the photo below, Astarte stands, carved in stone with a couple of rather friendly stallions. Mysteriously, she grasps lengthy serpents in her hands:

Despite all this covert friskiness, Astarte was supposed to be a virgin (you've just gotta believe it). She can be understood as the cultural prototype for the Virgin Mary.

"Faith is believing what you know ain't so" ................(Mark Twain)

Astarte ("The Lady of the Beasts") represented Life, Creation, Renewal, Reproduction, Newness, Lust, the Mother Goddess, an embodiment of Mother Nature. She was capable of eternal virginity precisely because she was the local expert in the business of Renewal. She was also the 'Destroyer' (so held an honorary title of Goddess of War") because all that lives must die. Thus she is our culture's parallel of India's black-faced goddess Kali. Astarte held a big annual ding-dong Mardi-Gras party at the arrival of northern hemisphere Spring on a designated Friday in April, the vernal equinox.

Since at least 1700BC, Astarte was the partner of a lucky chap, a groover god called Baal (below) who was probably metrosexual and forever horny (see his helmet for clues). No-one seems quite sure if Astarte and Baal were legally married, but I don't suppose they cared a hoot as long as they could hump. Often.

Baal, carrying his customary thunder-club & lightening bolt spear, similar to the Greek god-king Zeus or his Roman counterpart Apollo. Baal was usually represented standing phallically upright like a 'lingam'.

Astarte's festival time happened to coincide with the anniversary of Jeshua's crucifixion. (To this day, christians persist in calling Jeshua by his Greek name 'Jesus', bestowed posthumously on him by Paul Someone-or-other.) Early christians thought Astarte was a right tart, but were worried about banning her full-moon party outright in case they were labelled as nerd party-poopers. Instead, they decided to infiltrate her festival with bible propagandists bearing papyrus leaflets, and eventually took over the Management Committee. It became known as Easter - after which only pope music was allowed - and NO dancing. Infiltration of this sort later became known as "missionary work", "fundementalist evangelism", and evolved into "pre-emptive defence".
So who is this enigmatic and secretive Easter Bunny who only appears in public once a year to terrorise children? Back in ancient Phonecia, Astarte had used the hare as a symbol of fertility. Ancient Romans believed that all life came from eggs, so christians cleverly put the two ideas together and started teaching their children that hares laid eggs in the grass. Horses lay eggs too, honest. Later, christians substituted bunny for hare as 'bunny' sounds cuter on saccharine and meaningless Easter cards at $2.50 a pop. Savvy, huh?

Children back in Astarte's day had played the game of collecting painted eggs hidden in the grass. Later, because eggs were a naturally-occuring resource, christian kids were taught that they should hunt them down ruthlessly - and were even given prizes if they found the most. From this fun family game was born the idea of Capitalism, Glory, Empire and accumulating Massive Personal Wealth at the expense of other people.

The Roman view of eggs as the "seed of life" was soon nicked by christians as symbolic of the "ressurection" of their cult hero Jeshua. Jeez, they had to invent something happy and positive out of the disastrous crucifixion of their boss, or Easter would have flopped for keeps. Like, dead cat bounce, dude. No more Apostling for a living... dole time, guys.

A snapshot of modern Easter: Yo, where you hidin' dem eggs, fren?


An exciting easter-egg hunt in a Sri Lankan minefield.

You humans get a holiday weekend plus bulk chocolate.
Hey, what's in it for a wabbit?
The tewifying Attack Bunny from "The Wabbits that Ate Cwanbwook"

Luckily, it was caught and broken in. These days, the Demon Rabbit of Doom has been given a hairdo and tethered to a post in Disneyland for kids to ride.

Rabbit in a Burqha: many christians are losing faith in Easter, largely due to the ability of humanist-liberal internet blogs to trigger moments of Deep Thought.
Many christian bunnies have retained their warlike heritage
and are not to be trusted. George Bunnyush for one. 

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Finger-pointing time in ZIMBABWE: Will the real Mugabe please stand up.

The British military mission sent to Africa in the 1880s. They promptly 'took over' the undefined general region later called Rhodesia, now Zimbabwe. Colonisation is usually predicated on military superiority.

British Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett has lately been waxing lyrical to the English House of Commons about how ALL the blame for Zimbabwe’s violence and social upheaval can be pinned on Robert Mugabe. It’s all a home-grown problem, she pontificates grandly to anyone who'll listen (especially the local media just before the election).

Sure, quite true if you take the short term view so beloved of 30-second media grabs. It sounds all logical, morally justifiable, and exactly what voters might expect a blue-blood Tory conservative to preach. The few Tory MPs who are still awake chime the obligatory "hear hear" (even if they didn't hear), then all waddle off home to their walled estates in Suffolk to have a cup of Indian-grown tea to celebrate the peerage they just bought from Blair.

But it's NOT so true when you investigate the historical longer term picture. The current problems of political violence and Mugabe's genocidal vandalism are providing England a convenient alibi from the fact that it was Britain which colonised and first de-stabalised the region in the late 19th century. 'Twas them Poms wot started the ball rolling, mate. That is certainly not for a moment to deny Mugabe's inhuman barbarism:

A Zimbabwean woman walks away from the remains of her bedroom after another of Mugabe's police-led attacks on a housing community in the capital Harare (Salisbury during British occupation). Half the population has now been made homeless.

England's Cecil Rhodes "obtained" mining rights from local chiefs in 1888, but, not satisfied with that, simply proclaimed the region as a “British sphere of influence” (=colony). That remained the case until the last british Prime Minister (the racist Ian Smith) was replaced in 1980, along with his ghastly Apartheid regime by the early 1990s. Mugabe won, not by merit but because Rhodesians wanted anything but Smith.

Today’s problems are partly the aftermath of colonisation and the botched de-colonisation. Margaret Beckett is now opportunely distancing England from its sordid colonial past. She understands her history, but isn't telling. She knows that the more Mugabe misbehaves, the less guilty England looks by comparison as time goes by.

Europe and America have excelled in suddenly withdrawing from colonies once they've sucked enough blood from them. Into the vacuums rush a variety of opportunists, as (of course) can only be expected. Does Margaret Beckett REALLY care who rushes in? Hardly. England's Aid budget to Zimbabwe is miniscule. Actions speak louder than words. What more evidence do you need? Oh, but what a magnificent opportunity to pontificate on how Evil the Native is, how unrefined and cruel …SO unlike we superior races. This strife’s all their fault. They're black ...you understand?

The same racism and disinterest applies to present strife in places like Ethiopia and Sudan in Northern Africa too. As an example, check out this drawing with its telling caption from an 1887 british magazine:

PEARS SOAP IN THE SOUDAN
“Even if our invasion of the Soudan has done nothing else, it has at any rate left the Arab something to puzzle his fuzzy head over, for the legend
PEARS SOAP IS THE BEST
inscribed in huge white characters on the rock which marks the fathest point of our advance towards Berber, will tax all the wits of the Dervishes of the Desert to translate”. – Phil Robinson, War Correspondent (in the Soudan) of the Daily Telegraph in London, 1884.

. . .and patronising and disrespectful. Cross fingers we're different now.

Iran's President Ahmedinijad was accurate when he remarked that western civilisation was/is based on plunder of resources from other countries. He was referring in part to the Oil industry in his own country. I might add that Slavery was a significant resource underpinning the Empire - and is replaced these days by the more neutral practice of "Out-sourcing". With out-sourcing, globalized corporations can save money because there is no longer any need to transport, house or feed their slaves - but you can still whip them brutally by email. Ask Nike about this.

The title of the above poster is "THE FORMULA OF BRITISH CONQUEST". That formula was "Guns + Trade = Empire". This has been inherited and re-packaged by the New Empire as: "Pre-emptive Defence + Free Trade Agreements". Very little has changed since the Roman Empire, actually.

The churches also have horrendous bloodstains on their hands for their cutting edge role and willing collusion in the west's exploitation of other countries. They were paid large amounts of compensation when the British parliament finally abolished slavery 200 years ago. FunkyPix2 notes that they didn't turn down the cash.

(Read an earlier article I wrote concerning the origins of the british Arms Industry and the England's shameful humbling of China in the 1860s Opium War.)

In this critical illustration from the turn of the 20th century, a priest urges on Russia, Germany and France amid carnage in China during the 1900 Boxer Rebellion. The Boxers were Chinese nationalists resisting European colonization. The excuse of "saving Asian souls from Damnation' was merely a pretext cynically exploited by the British East India Company, that most secular engine of Imperialism.

Queen Elizabeth II assists one of her own Beefeater guards by letting him rest.

Likewise, the postcard below tells its own story of cultural disinterest and religious disrespect. It was more like "let's make these people more like us so they too can become workers and consumers feeding into our commercial system".

Browse some of FunkyPix2's earlier articles involving aspects of colonialism:

Why is the USA so bothered about a country like Somalia?

Announcing the end of the american century.

All you need to know about Iran, Israel and kindly gentle old Uncle Sam.

The USA invades New Zealand. OK, this last one's a spoof, but the logic is undeniably close to the bone. Allegiances can and do change (consider Saddam, for one), and NZ hasn't covered itself in glory as far as the US is concerned. Not since they banned nuclear-powered warships from NZ waters. For that, FunkyPix2 salutes them.

My point in ranting about Colonialism is not so much to weep for the past, but to increase awareness of ongoing exploitation of poorer countries. We should recognise our selfish habits for what they really are, and cease euphemising. We're still Colonialists, re-packaged, until we take action to stop. A good start is to vote against FTAs.

ASYLUM AIRLINES targets the growing niche market for "failed asylum seekers"

In another textbook example of how it becomes necessary to disguise bullshit with yet more bullshit, have a look at the following article. Is this typical FunkyPix2 satire? ...or could it be really true?

........................ (OK, OK, I confess... the photo is fake).

Sydney Morning Herald, March 14, 2007.

So vast has the number of deportees from Europe become, that two enterprising businessman have hatched an extraordinary plan - a new airline exclusively for failed asylum seekers.

Asylum Airlines is set to be operative within three months, complete with padded rooms for troublemakers and meals - presumably with a halal option - for passengers.

The flights will journey around Europe, picking up failed asylum seekers from various countries and then dispatching them back to their home nations around Africa, the Middle East and Asia. Austrian deportation lawyer Hermann Heller and Austrian aviation consultant Heinz Berger told the Daily Express newspaper the new airline is in negotiations with several governments across Europe.

It was being promoted as a cost-efficient option for governments compared to the current arrangements on board commercial flights, with Britain reportedly spending STG315,000 ($A776,900) recently to deport just 15 Iraqis.

"Here in Austria, every time a deportee is sent home on a regular flight, they need three seats, not just for the deportee but for the policemen on either side," Mr Heller said.

"Many airlines have already stopped taking asylum seekers home because of unpleasant scenes. With a professional service the deportations will be faster, chains will not be needed and the deportees can enjoy a meal."

The planned flights will have guards, medical staff and a representative of a human rights group on board, though there is no immediate news of plans for in-flight entertainment or a frequent-flyer scheme.

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FunkyPix2 salutes Capitalism to the extent that it is motivated to think "outside the square". Now all we have to do is work out how to divert all that creative energy to useful and humane purposes.

BREAKING NEWS: The CIA has launched a successful takeover bid for Asylum Airlines. It has vowed to use the aircraft to "hunt down, maim and kill all them criminal illegals", according to "The O'Really Factor" program on Fahks TV Nooze. "We don't want them non-human scum eatin' all our Dunkin' Donuts!" ranted Mr O'Really. "We'll stop at NUTHIN' ", he dribbled.

STEVE IRWIN Breaking News! from the FunkyPix2 newsroom

FunkyPix2 has discovered that when stingrays go to heaven, they get 70 Steve Irwins each. PER DAY. It’s obviously Mr Irwin's Eternal Punishment for being abusive to animals in the name of fame and profit.

Working undercover with a Marine Sting Operation, we have also discovered the motive behind the attack by the brave little stingray. It had wanted revenge for the time Steve converted his younger brother Peter into a Versace handbag.

Accomplices of the Ray family led us to this heavily disguised retail outlet located in a place which the adoring australian public would never have suspected – the Chiangmai Night Bazaar. It is not yet known what P.K.K. stands for. Members of the public with information may leave it in 'Comments' (below).

(The hand-printed sign at bottom left reads:
"WE GUARANTEE THAT THIS ARTICLE ARE MADE FROM ORIGINAL LEATHER")

The FunkyPix Handbag Police’s Handwriting Identification Squad has positively identified the hand-writing as belonging to a surviving member of the Irwin family. A person of interest is being interviewed at Nakornping Police Station in Chiangmai. Vale to the young Mr Peter Ray and our condolences to the Stingray family.

Yesterday the Ray family was spotted celebrating the expected prosecution.

According to members of the family, Heaven is a tropical Paradise where fish who have been good can enjoy spending all day 'humaning'. A fish simply attaches a newly-minted $5 note to a hook, then casts it out of the water and up onto the beach to tempt passing humans.

A certain Mr Moe Hawke was spotted in Chiangmai recently for attempting to wrestle toy crocodiles in the Night Bazaar area. Tourists were throwing ping-pong balls into his mouth.

Please check out FunkyPix2's earlier Eternal Tribute to Steve Irwin with its brilliant animated cartoon, one of Nicholson's best ever, and this fabulously funny Art collection Steve Irwin in Paintings of the Great Masters.

Colonization of Mars is an extension of Globalisation: "Galaxisization" as Market Advantage.

Finally – proof that there’s water on Mars.

Scientists at NASA are doing their best to keep one paragraph ahead of the Chinese and Russians at exploring and colonising space.

NASA has confirmed that the south pole of Mars contains a deposit of ice the size of Texas and 3.5 kilometres thick.

The presence of significant amounts of water, even in the form of ice, will make colonisation of Mars much easier, NASA claims ecstatically (Notice:“will”, not “would”). Interestingly, they also calculate that if all that ice on both poles were to melt, the entire surface of Mars would be flooded to a depth of 11 metres.

Now for the scary bit, and I do believe they were sober. They seriously suggest that, in order to liquefy some of that ice for human use, it would be entirely feasible to trigger a Martian ‘global warming’ using knowledge gained from our experiences here on Earth. This is Capitalism on a longer leash than ever ...or no leash at all. This is all about gaining resources in the interests of profit. Do you honestly think a corporate-driven country like america go to all this trouble and expense for purely selfless and benevolent reasons?

If you think this is all a load of BU--SH-- then listen to this ABC Australia news report about the global warming that is ALREADY happening on Mars.

OK, NASA, a little critique. First, you’re still adopting the long-disgraced assumption made by colonialists like Columbus and Cook that new territory is “Terra Nullis” (=owned by no-one), therefore ‘finders keepers’. Are you so sure? You admit you don’t yet even know if there is Life there or not. And you’re assuming that “Life” must be in forms that we humans recognise, carbon-based etc. Are you perhaps being a little “humano-centric”, or what?

Secondly, the money being spent on space programs/star wars etc could have done a great deal to prevent the problems we are suffering from here on Earth (climate, hunger etc). Mouthing your tired cliches about "it’s better not to put all your eggs in one planetary basket" simply doesn’t cut the galactic mustard:

This Mars gig is clearly the super-wealthy elite’s way of trying to ensure a one-way ticket out on the the Good Ship "FinalArk", after messing up big time here on Earth:

An out-house on Mars?

Given that humans do not even understand how to control climate here on our own planet, what chance would there be on Mars? In the interests of deterring George W. Bush from invading Mars, FunkyPix2 and HG Wells now jointly present a short science-fiction (with full film rights):

2038. Mars is colonised by the USA and claimed by a pre-emptive invasion (flag-on-a-stick, big ‘Mission Accomplished’ ceremony with funny hats, etc).

2046. A NASA space-station is built, containing a large Solar Heat Concentrator to warm the Martian atmosphere. Dick Cheney builds large coal-fired power-stations to provide power to Halliburton Munitions factories (…after all, you just never know where terrorists will turn up, right Dick?).

2060 The pole begins melting faster than anticipated. Panic as the project goes all pear-shaped. Dick can’t find the brakes (because he hadn’t budgeted for them).

2080 The pole has fully melted and the planet is swamped under 11 metres of water. Cheney, having forgotten his water-wings, succumbs to an aggressive and toxic silicon-based slime-lizard, re-activated after millions of years’ deep-freezing. The doomed space-station (with its 4-star ‘Mars Bar & Pub’, franchised by Starrybucks) is flooded and lost.

2090 Atmospheric heating proceeds so fast that the oceans rapidly evaporate and, whipped up by giant storm systems as seen on Saturn, dissipate the massive clouds high into space. Once forced far enough into space, the water vapour breaks down into elemental hydrogen and oxygen. It’s gone… forever! This loss of ALL its water means that the planet Mars now weighs considerably less than ever before… and consequently is less drawn by the gravitational pull of the sun. Danger Danger, Will Robinson.

2095 Mars therefore begins to widen its orbit around the sun, gradually spiralling outwards and away, heading towards the frozen regions of the outer solar system near Pluto.

2100 On its new path, Mars approaches gradually closer to Earth, its neighbour. Earth’s greater gravitational magnetism draws Mars ever closer. Scientists at NASA are alarmed to calculate that Mars will collide head-on with Earth at 6.08pm GMT, on 3 July 2128, exactly 120 years after George Bush was executed for War Crimes, Illegal Extraterrestrial Invasion, and Gross Dereliction of Duty on Climate Change.

Holy Planets, Batperson! Will this approaching Mars disaster spell the end for the Tele-Tubbies series? Even more crucially, what could it imply for the careers of Paris Hilton? ...or John Ducklips Howard? :-)

Keep watching FunkyPix2 for the exciting Sequel. . .

... to a smallish screen very near YOU!

PS: the film's theme music is this genuine mp3 recording of the sounds of Saturn. Unfortunately, Mars itself couldn’t get to the recording gig as it was busy shooting down spaceships from Earth (Haliburton ones, if Martian CNN is to be trusted).

I also wrote a similar article for Earth, but ow! …it’s already coming true!

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Update: FunkyPix2 notes (with a brief roll of the old blogger's eyes) that the US has turned down an offer from Moscow to jointly explore the moon, but has agreed to co-operation and money for the International Space Station. The only reasonable conclusion? The US wants assistance to colonise the moon and Mars first but doesn’t want to share the real estate/mineral boom once it gets there. The US never does anything that it thinks is against its own national interest. Ain't Freedom grand?

It’s the VATICAN which keeps causing Italy's governments to crash

Romano Prodi’s government is down again, with all the air let out of his political balloon. But WAIT! He’s back… as he knew he would be. Welcome to the revolving door concept of Italian politics. Today, the FunkyPix2 team investigates why this is so ...and names the VILLAIN of the piece.

We in the west owe a lot to the Treaty of Westphalia back in 1648. It gave the world the concept of the ‘sovereignty of the nation state’, granting states identity independent of the church. That thinking has become part of modern reality for most countries – except Italy. Why?

Coiled in the heart of Rome lies the Vatican, also an independent state. But precisely because Italy is host to the Papacy, it has never achieved true independence as a country. Hence the constant instability of its ‘revolving door’ governments. The Vatican plays with Italy like a puppet, a cat with a captive mouse. Its doctrinal grip on the hearts and minds of Italy is suffocating.

For instance, it was two pro-Vatican conservative MPs who brought down Prodi’s government recently. Prodi’s "sin"? Attempting to bring in a law to legalise civil unions – including same sex marriage. Media reports, of course, immediately focused attention and cameras on two Communist no-votes, pinning blame on them for voting against keeping troops in Iraq. But in reality, that had long been expected - it was those two unexpected pro-Vatican abstentions which sank Prodi’s government, not the foreign policy issue.



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So the latest scoreline reads Vatican 1, Italy 0. Prodi has been forced to dump the civil unions legislation in order to retain his fragile coalition. Italy remains manacled in the chains of the Middle Ages, while the rest of us get on with the 21st century.

Click to read more detail about Italy’s latest parliamentary crisis.

Church attendances have been plummeting lately, so there are many under-employed clergy looking for things to bless, save, convert etc. This pooch is clearly unimpressed.

Archbishop Ratzinger reveals his latest 'boy toy': his personalised Sony "Dial-a-Vote" machine. It holds millions of bank account numbers and dodgy recorded confessionals. Are you suddenly fearful? FunkyPix2's online shop has your salvation - see the Classifieds at the end of this article for your counter-papacy electronic protection devices equipped with Auto-Bless.

Prime Minister Prodi might have to consider installing roadsigns like this on the streets of Rome approaching the Vatican.

The Vatican has dogged Italian politics for centuries.

The pope is greeted by ecstatic fans after the big match against Prodi United. There was a wild Pontiff Party to celebrate.
"My shout", saith Benedict with unholy glee.

These nuns (below) were photographed in a secret training camp deep in the Vatican's steamy jungles. Each of them is independently solving the logic of the maze... they're not just following each other like sheep, OK? The pope depends on undercover agents like these to ensure god's will be done in parliament as it is in the Vatican. It's just an extension of normal undercover missionary work:

These gentle ladies manage to adopt a more persuasive argument whenever there's heretical legislation to be voted down. Once they've done their electoral duty, the nuns can take solace in the Vatican's contemplative Teargarden with some scones and tea. Or pasta. Whatever. Then it's off to Confession and Bingo.

But would you believe there are actually some detractors? Only a few, mind you. Some of these ridiculous opponents of the pope attempt to paint him as ruthless, one-eyed, lying, two-faced, evil, conniving, sneaky, interfering, out of touch with reality, malevolent, machiavellian, bigoted, woefully inadequate, weak-willed, confused, malleable, a yes-man, racist, anti-christ, backslider, fallen angel, misogynist, etc. Of course, this is all baloney.

After hours, the pope likes to play dress-up and play fantasy games to take his over-burdened mind off the pressure of his day-job. Here he practises a harmless salute and burping loudly while wearing a rubber bull-suit, all just for fun. Aw jeez, a guy's gotta have at least a little cathartic outlet, ain't he? Getcha bleedin' camera outa me face, arselick!

Mark Twain was a registered member of FunkyPix2. He was a master of inventing new lies to cover older lies, but was honest enough to admit it.

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FunkyPix2's Online God-mart

The only credit card we accept.

There's a big range of inspirational literature.

Fabulous Competitions to enter!





FunkyPix2’s theory of religion, the “Celestial Teddy-Bear Theory, is perfectly embodied in this delightful cuddly toy. Find comfort from the sky right here on earth without all the bother of praying! Guaranteed all old stuffing. Only 550,000 lira (cash only) to approved buyers.

For those moments you need to chew over those dicey questions in Sunday School.

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Get your own halo-phones and be the coolest dude on your block. Automatically translates those raunchy Bette Midler songs into your choice of Latin, Hebrew, or Greek so you don't have to be corrupted.

Out now!
The latest albums by the Beatitudes.
They'll be so funky through your halo-phones, man.

Queenex Marywipes – guaranteed to cut through the toughest grease and blood stains under your statue’s eyes. Just add holy water and wipe!

Keep up with the Jonses! You can publically prove your penitence and flagellation credentials with this super fun Rosary. Matches the chains hanging from your old faded jeans.

The up-to-the-minute trend! Chocolate baptisms. Hand these round afterwards as you use your Queenex Marywipes to clean the baby's head.

...then celebrate with a pallet of your favourite drink. Tastes best out of solid gold Baptism Chalices. Guaranteed not to dissolve much gold.

FunkyPix2's Online Shop also offers powerful sin-detecting software:

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