REPORT: Australia May Have Been Abused During its Formative Years

The Eureka Stockade, an example of early abuse by the motherland.
This newly-discovered historical painting proves that FunkyPix2 founders were at the forefront of Australian grassroots resistance. Later, a more stodgy and conservative splinter group adopted the more familiar blue-and-white Southern Cross as their emblem, re-naming themselves as the ‘Labor’ Party.

SYDNEY—A team of leading historians and psychiatrists has issued a report claiming that Australia was likely the victim of abuse by its founding fathers and motherland when it was a young colony.

"In its adulthood, Australia displays all the classic tendencies of a nation that was repeatedly mistreated in its infancy - difficulty forming lasting foreign relationships, viewing everyone as a potential enemy, and employing a pattern of assault and intimidation to assert its power," said Dr. Gorsymenski, the report's lead author. "It has even chosen a substitute parent, its distant relative Uncle Sam, to fill the emotional vacuum".

"Because of trust issues stemming from the abuse, Australia has yet again become withdrawn from its neighbours with its fortress mentality of ‘White Australia 2’, has not made a trusted ally in years, and often resents the few nations that are willing to lend support—most countries outgrow this kind of behavior after 200 years."


According to Deakin University psychology professor Marieta Burrowsofski, while some rebellious behaviour in a nation's adolescence is common, and sometimes healthy, Australia’s historically stormy relationship with mother country Britain points to a deep need for acceptance.

"Australia is characteristic of an abused nation in that, even decades after tentatively pushing away from Britain in 1901, still maintained close contact with the motherland — all the while fearing disapproval even though the parent country is now old, decrepit, and powerless," said Professor Burrowsofski. "On the other hand, Canada, which was raised by the same mother country, only exercised small-scale resistance, remaining loyal well into its maturity. Though some see Canada as cold and remote, it has, unlike Australia, managed to lead a peaceful, reasonably healthy existence."

Professor Burrowsofski pointed to another telltale sign of abuse in Australia's tendency to bully, torture, and persecute less powerful, vulnerable creatures, such as koalas, kangaroos, forests, mangroves, welfare recipients, refugees, women, small Pacific nations, and Aborigines.

Although the Australian nation appeared to be on the road to recovery by the early 1990s, the watershed event of the Republic Debate was in effect a protracted custody battle which triggered two centuries of repressed memories, setting off a recurring pattern of violent outbursts and emotional volatility.

"Australia also compensated for early mistreatment by taking out this pent-up aggression on other nations—getting involved in aggressive conflicts seemingly just for the thrill of it, starting arguments and wars that can't be won, suspecting that everyone is out to get them," Burrowsofski said. "This nation needs help, but by its very nature, refuses to accept it."

Australian Coastguard Security even published a picture of what a suicide surfer-bomber might look like. “You can never be too careful’, they warned. “Terrrrists have found ways to solve the problem of the wet wick”.

"Granted, part of Australia’s problems may stem from the fact that it was burdened with a false sense of responsibility at a young age because of the unrealistic expectations of the country's founders,” she said. “Even though Australia is over 200 years old, emotionally it's younger than Lithuania. But we must remember that the country also idealized the perpetrator in a classic victim–abuser relationship."


The report recommended that the United Nations Security Council once again renew its efforts to organize an international intervention to help Australia get the counseling it needs to improve its self-concept.

[Acknowledgement to ‘theonion.com’ for the idea of this post]