24 December, 2006

Saparmurat Niyazov, a dictator worth emulating. So...
Turkmenistan now has a COMPETITOR

The 12-metre gold statue of... um, ME.
Obituary: In case you were unaware, the iron-fisted weirdo dictator of Turkmenistan died yesterday of a heart attack.
He had earlier survived an assassination attempt.

I want to be remembered just like HIM. The tiny electronic nation-domain of FunkyPix2 deserves no less. Like Dictator Niyazov, I, Peter, (the "Father of all FunkyPixers") can inform you that everyone who reads this website 3 times will inherit Paradise and get a lot of gas. My sayings will be writ large upon the walls of the Web, and chanted devoutly by millions of my Loyal Readers. I too hereby ban my subjects from wearing facial hair (I'm sure that will inflate my shares in FunkyPix2’s ShaveCorp). Neither must my female devotees wear any make-up: all female FunkyPixers are beautiful enough already (even more so than in Turkmenistan) (Hi, Marie).

Guess which one is Marie.
Ha ha, fooled you - she's not there, of course ;-) lol etc

...[snap back to Reality]... I never cease to wonder at the brazen affrontery of the human ego. Niyazov had prepared a gold-domed mosque/mausoleum for himself at a cost of GB₤50 million (=AU$125 million). The walls are decorated with gigantic quotations from the Ruhnama, or 'Book of the Spirit', which the president wrote and expected all his citizens to read instead of the Bible or the Koran. He claimed that paradise awaited anyone who read it three times; he re-named September as Ruhnama.

Gold figure of saviour President Niyazov as a child held high by his mother, Mrs Niyazov, having thrust herself out of a despairing world on the back of a bull - in black granite.

Not content with that, he re-named April after his mother and May after his father. He built a 12-metre gold-leaf plated statue of himself placed on a revolving plinth so that it would always face the sun. He built an ice palace in the desert, re-named airports and stadiums after himself, and promised all 4.7 million citizens of Turkmenistan a cow with calf. Hey, Thaksin’s failed “Million Cows Scheme” pales by comparison.

...[fade to Dream again]... Aw, that’s nothin! FunkyPix2 has already outdone Mr Niyazov by creating this 50¢ website which improves the quality of life for BILLIONS of oppressed netizens. Nyah nyah, Mr Dictator, you puny weasel. And I’m allowed to wear facial hair because I’m God - but you may call me Peter. Time Magazine has already named me "Person of the Year". So there.

To get ideas for immortality, Peter tours Turkmenistan in disguise.

Read more about the excesses and also the repressive dark side of this oddball self-proclaimed god-king here in this article from Guardian Unlimited. However, it could matter a lot more than meets the eye, given that Turkmenistan and Afghanistan are neighbours.

Turkmen have to rely on satellite TV for information in the heavily-censored authoritarian state. There is one holiday resort on the Caspian Sea - and it is state-owned. PS: this photo is for real.

* Note that any dissent in the Comments (below) will result in instant zipping of polonium-211 cookies to your hard-drive.
You. Have. Been. Warned.

1 comment:

  1. Hail! You are our Great Leader, O Peter. We have a daily reading from FunkyPix2 every day before breakfast. Thanks be to Blogger.com