You are 15% older than you thought. So is the Universe

The spiral-form M33 Galaxy, one of our closer neighbours, is known as the ‘Triangulum’. The red in the photo indicates hydrogen, the blue indicates oxygen. FunkyPix2's intergalactic Real Estate office is in the oxygen-rich purple patch (top right), next to a convenience store.

FunkyPix2’s resident Astro-physicist has demonstrated that you are 15% older than you thought – which might help to account for those crow’s feet, paunch and love-handles appearing well before you expected.

Using his new prescription spectacles, Peter discovered that M33 spiral Galaxy was 15% further away than previously believed…that’s an extra 3 million light-years, ie, the universe is bigger than we thought.

This is because the age and size of the universe are intimately linked - when you look into space, you’re always looking back into time. Because of my discovery of this extra 3 million light-years, FunkyPix2 now estimates the universe to be at least 13.7 billion years old (= 13.7 thousand million) since its birth at the Big Bang.

Now, since one’s body is three-quarters water, it means about half your atoms are hydrogen. These hydrogen atoms originate from the Big Bang, so half of YOU is 15% older than you thought. Time to sign up for the nursing home or write a furious letter of objection to your local fundamentalist church.

This story isn't entirely crap. Get the genuine goss here on a transcript of an ABC-Australia radio interview.