03 December, 2006

What the Press DIDN'T reveal about the pope's trip to the Blue Mosque, Turkey

What might have been going through the pope's mind as he stood in silent thought in the Blue Mosque?
Here are some possibilities.....

1. I’ll close my eyes and think of Rome.
2. I’ll close my eyes and think of that sweet young boy from
'Home Alone'.
3. Jeez, what a time to forget my f***ing Rosary beads.
4. Hey, I always thought Mecca was a type of espresso coffee.
5. That Babaganoush was yummo… Mohammed couldn’t have been all that evil.
6. O my Allah and Mary, I farted. Jeez, lasagne and babaganoush sure don't mix.
7. Aw, what the heck... maybe I should just break out into a Latin Mass here and now & end all this b*llsh*t. I'm the bloody pope, after all...
[add your own - write it in the comments below and I'll add them in here]

The press was heavily censored. Footage of the pope's holy Cheer-Leader squad, for instance, was not available on american TV networks:

Neither was it revealed how Benedict in his popemobile managed to get from the airport to the mosque without getting lynched. However, the concealed burqha-cam of FunkyPix2's reporter in Istanbul brings the truth directly to your screen:

The pope forced angry Muslim crowds aside with high-pressure holy water on his way to the Blue Mosque. One of his accompanying army of security guards jokingly quipped that "...he was doing this stupid mosque stunt so he wouldn't have to actually apologise and wreck the papacy's unblemished record of infallibility. What a great media-savvy distraction! Dude, that's a chess-move worthy of Oliver North!"

The latest model Mercedes-Benz popemobile is not only armour-plated and bullet-proof, but is able to instantly "de-materialise" projectiles such as eggs, tomatoes, or red paint thrown by protesters. This was expensive technology, but essential because it ensured that the vehicle remained photogenic for the papparazzi at all times.

While on the topic of popemobiles, FunkyPix2 soon intends to publish a photo-gallery history, but here's a sneak preview. In this photo, Pope John XXIII inspects his new stretch Mercedes-Benz in
It looks identical to the one from 1930. Typical...

But while we're on the topic, here's a photo of Thailand's answer to the popemobile:

A Buddhist monk tests out the Thai popemobile, but declines to wave. Buddhism is not ego-centric like catholicism.

The mainstream western media all dutifully reported that the pope was happy with his visit to Istanbul. Mission Accomplished, etc. However, FunkyPix's burqha-cam caught him grinning somewhat over-ghoulishly after being congratulated by one of his Swiss-Guards. The body-guard was heavily made-up, and had mysteriously insisted on dressing in black. Benedict apparently addressed him as 'George'.

(The pope is the one on your left)

After the visit to Turkey, George invited Benedict to a secret ranch in an unknown location somewhere in the E.U. to "blow off some steam" (probably a useful idea for a guy with 70 years worth of sperm backup). His mate George offered him some used orange overalls, but Benedict opted for the macho military image. He hinted that he was considering sending 2 of his Swiss-Guards to Iraq as a gesture of thanks for the gift of the papal dune-buggy and special Star-Wars crash-helmet (able to detect and destroy incoming thunderbolt missiles from heaven).

"I haven't had so much fun since I last faked a Bar Mitzvah in disguise", he giggled. "Yee-HAAAH!"

Scoop photo: the after-hours popemobile.

Update, December 2006 - This worrying photo was hacked into this website.

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