Now we can proceed, boys & girls. First, let’s all have a joyous group hug (mmghmph!), then off we go to visit the new CREATION MUSEUM in Kentucky (or do an online walk-thru tour, available here). As we walk in the glass front entrance we are thunderstruck by Wondrous Scenes we never could have understood before…
Visitors gaze in rapture [raptor?] at a vegetarian Tyranosaurus Rex peacefully sharing Eden’s gardens with Eve. These innocent visitors had previously been taught by their Evil Evolutionist teachers that there had been a 60 million year gap between dinosaurs and humans in the fossil record. How utterly impossible is that, boys and girls? Ha ha ha. Moments after the Truth was revealed to our two visitors, they dashed down the corridor to the Conversion Chapel to be baptized.
EVE: “You mean, you’re telling me I came from one of your RIBS?
Why, Adam, WHY do you hate the Storkists so much?”
The Creation Museum takes you on a tour of the Ark. No, it’s not the real one, you dumbo. And don’t ask damn crass questions like “Who cleaned up all the poo?” etc. God moves bowels in mysterious ways, y’know.According to the knowledgeable folks at the Creation Museum, dinosaurs existed at the same time as humans, In fact, they say god created dinosaurs in about 3000BC, just a few DAYS before she created Adam & Eve. So why doesn’t the bible mention dinosaurs on the Ark? Did god callously allow them ALL to drown in the Great Flood? Did Noah and his family maybe get a tad hungry?
Creationists explain it away by claiming that god in her wisdom could see that a 25-metre long Brontosaurus weighing 35 tons just wouldn’t fit, so she told Noah only to save baby dinosaurs. Well, how come dinosaurs still didn’t survive? Well, I’m a-gunna tell ya the real TRUTH.
I am a direct descendant of the Tribe of Noah. Which really makes me a bit like Royalty, but you may call me Peter. See? .Evolution doesn’t work like the dumb scientists claim.I belong to a church (the only true church) which believes there was a second Ark as well, piloted by Noah’s brother Haon. That’s where the dinosaurs were stabled, sensibly quarantined so that smaller animals in the First Ark wouldn’t get eaten or crushed. Un-natural selection, but sanctioned by god herself. We know this is true because god revealed it, inscribed forever and ever in a piece of toasted cheese on Ebay. Awomen.
The two Arks kept within sight of each other as much as possible, and sometimes even lashed themselves together with ropes during storms. That was when Noahist propaganda (falsely) alleges that Haon had his affair with the young Mrs Noah.
To cut the story short, a totally pissed-off Noah decided to pre-emptively invade Haon’s Ark. He solemnly informed his family that Haon had animals capable of mass destruction, and uranium secretly imported from Australian Aborigines. Haon’s Ark was sunk without trace in Operation Shocking Whore, complete with its herd of terrified dinosaurs. Noah threw a Mission Accomplished party. You know the rest.
This T-rex skeleton (nick-named Methuselah) is claimed by Creationists to be no more than about 5,000 years old.
We of the Holy Haonist Church preach passionately about the Lies and Distortions of the apocryphal Noahist cult. The burden of proof is on the believers of the Noah Theory, not on us, because, after all, we are the ones who have the True Revelation ...in Solid Cheese. Prove to us that the Noah Theory is correct, and we Haonists will eat humble pie and join you Noahists immediately. Otherwise, prove to us that the Flying Spaghetti Monster doesn’t exist. If you can’t prove it doesn’t exist, then logically, it must exist. I’m going off now to bake a whale-meat humble pie for you stupid Noahist asswipes ha ha ha.
If Darwin’s Evil-ution were true, boys and girls, we’d have ended up with weird animals like THIS, ha ha! …or even crazy situations like THIS:
All together now: ha ha ha ha ha ha. OK,you’ll be tested on this tomorrow. And you'll fail if you mention Global Warming.
The Flintstones were for real, boys and girls! Here’s an old photo of Confederate soldiers with a genuine flying Pterosaur from the 1860s. WOW!!! Praise the Lorrrrd!
A Creationist-trained Paleontologist examines a large ribcage and spine. It is definitely the Big Bertha Behemoth (with wings) mentioned in the Book of Job. How could it possibly be papier-mache on a wire frame? Ha ha, girls & boys, that’s ridiculous! Ha ha ha.
Those crazy Evolutionists don’t believe dinosaurs were born of Virgin Births. Boys and girls, can you imagine two dinosaurs f**king? Stupid scientists ha ha ha...
.....FunkyPix2 can at least suggest how dragons became extinct.
What Noah saw just before being trampled in the Garden of Eden on about his 900th birthday. Like John Howard, dinosaurs never say Sorry.
For a refreshing giggle-read about Noah, I point you towards the opening chapter of A History of the World in 10 1/2 Chapters by Julian Barnes (Picador, 1989). May I also humbly recommend my “Religious Issues” tab, located under “Browse by Category” in this blog’s sidebar >>
...and to finish with another cartoon strip (thanks to Doonesbury):