30 November, 2006

The dark side of the WIGGLES:
Never accept polonium-210 from Strangers

It's time to lock up your grannies. The Wiggles join forces with Bush's

"Matrix-of-Evil" on board the Aircraft Carrier 'USS Playschool'.

In breaking-wind news, President Bush has bypassed Congress and appointed the Wiggles as his speech-writers and publicity machine. Mr Bu$h has simultaneously presenteded legislation to reduce the minimum voting age to 5 in the states of New York and California.

He denied there was any link between these two initiatives. But Democrats have criticised them, claiming it was an attempt to 'level the intellectual playing field' between all states.

However, unbeknown to the Bush 'intelligence' team, Australia’s top-earning pop group the Wiggles are in dire straits – ‘what’s-his-name’ the Yellow Wiggle may soon be forced to hang up his skivvy through ill-health. Prolonged exposure to reggae nursery-rhymes is officially alleged to be the cause… that's usually more deadly than a Polonium 210 burger with yellowcake sauce.

It is alleged, however, that the Yellow Wiggle may have succumbed to a Polonium-911 lollipop, a gift from a predatory 'Stranger', later identified as one of Saddam’s ex-lawyers who has not yet been murdered. However, the CIA immediately dismissed that as ‘utterly impossible’.

Thousands of children have been diagnosed with a new mental-health condition which has been dubbed W.U.S.S. (Wiggle Undersupply Stress Syndrome). One of its primary diagnoses is a child's inability to control sudden bursts of jerky dancing at socially inappropriate moments.

The Wiggles earned $50 million last year (for real!). By way of comparison, the group AC-DC earned $25 million (also for real), while the Sydney Symphony Orchestra may have picked up a cool $25 in tax rebates. The Tele-Tubbies unsuccessfully built up a new image:

But fans of Fine Music and botched Oil Wars need not despair. FunkyPix2’s own musical director has is being quietly head-hunted by Wiggle International (Yellow Division). Clearly, they were impressed by my research paper on Haydn's 'Toy Symphony'. Watch this space4ggg for news of the pending appointment.

If chosen, FunkyPix2 will diversify the Wiggles' business empire to include a controlling share in Bangkok's latest Bangchak Bio-Diesel plant. It converts used vegetable cooking oil into diesel. I've already Wiggle-themed the tanks...

...and written a children's "oil-recycling song" which goes:

Mary had a Little Lamb
She fried it with minced Weasel
And after Mary ate her fill
She changed the oil to Diesel and scored a big fat profit

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