14 November, 2006

Vatican to be SUED:
No more miracle cures at Lourdes!

St.Bernadette, wearing her Muslim-style headscarf,
imagines she sees a vision of Mary at Lourdes in France.

The days of "miracle cures" at Lourdes are officially over, according to the Vatican. The ‘miracle’ tradition began in 1858 after the ‘Virgin’ Mary instructed Bernadette Soubirous to scratch the ground, whereupon water flowed from the hole and became a permanent spring dispensing miracle healing and relief. However, FunkyPix2 has a more down-to-earth version of the likely origin of this relief:

However, if you don’t suscribe to FunkyPix2’s “Celestial Teddy-Bear” Humanist-Rational version of religion, you might prefer to get a more orthodox account here, to bone up on one of the versions of the "facts" about the Lourdes legend.

Since Bernadette’s days, sick pilgrims have flocked in thousands to Lourdes to get themselves a miracle cure, to the point where church bureaucracy was swamped by Wanna-be saints. Now, suddenly, Rome has wearily declared there will be no more miracles, only ‘inexplicable cures’.

That little linguistic juggle gets the Vatican out of the Heavenly frying pan …but straight into an Earthly fire. It simply means that what used to be a miracle now somehow isn’t a miracle any more. Hey, someone’s lying, and it’s either a god or a pope. A lie can’t be fixed by adding another lie – just ask Popes Blair or Bush (and especially Cardinal Howard).... lies always come back to bite your bum.

FunkyPix2 suggests that all past and present Aspirants seeking a ‘Lourdes Miracle Cure’, including everyone from Saints to Sinners, mount a legal Class Action against the Vatican for Mass Fraud. Previous Saints (and their heirs) have had their reputations slurred and stained, and may suffer loss-of-income from reduced pendant and icon sales. And thousands of present believers have been utterly duped - denied the miracle cure they’ve been promised ever since Sunday School. They’re also angry about reduced opportunities for careers in Sainthood. As a result, many have been forced onto anti-depressant medication and/or have psychological trauma counselling as a result of the church’s callous decision to cancel miracles. More catholic marriages are now veering towards divorce (!!!), and numerous former pilgrims are resorting to binge-eating disorders…...
But now there’s a new spiritual rescue package for catholics –

Catholics will be relieved to know that there is no longer any need to make a pilgrimage to Lourdes. The church is launching a “Frequent Prayer” card for rewarding regular attendance at mass, with bonus points available during confessionals (depending on the salaciousness of your confession and whether you’re an under-age child). Collect 12 points (one for each apostle, even Judas) and you get a free “Lourdes-Inexplicable-Cure” gift voucher of your choice (up to the value of the Medicare rebate). After 666 points you collect a “Get-Out-of-Hell-Free” card. Do read the fine print on the Conditions, though, where it quietly reminds you (in Latin) that Rome has abolished Hell officially some time ago.

….and surely there’s no need to remind you of the 30 (or more) pieces of silver to be earned on Ebay if you’re blessed with a toasted-cheese sandwich with a Jesus or Mary face imprint on it…
On that score, don’t forget - FunkyPix2 can offer huge discounts on Jesus or Mary Cheese-Embossing tools ~ see our full-colour "Religious Gadgets" catalogue.

Self-portrait of FunkyPix2's CEO with bucks earned on Ebay.
Afterwards, I spent the $$ on hair-clippers so I could look more respectable.

Valued Reader, we invite you to check out some other of our relevant web-pages to do with paedophilia (pedophilia), the extremist conservative Australian Cardinal George Pell, Rome's abolition of the Latin Mass and the spiritual storm-in-a-teacup over the existence of Limbo.


  1. There REALLY IS a Get Out of Hell Free card you can get online -- it's a major hoot. http://www.GOOHF.com

  2. Cool - thanks for the tip-off. I feel doubly safe now and will go out sinning right away... big time - woo-hoo.